Working On Myself ๐ŸŽ

Ok so Iโ€™m gonna put a big โ— CONTENT WARNING โ— here since I know that the topic of eating/body image is a huge trigger for some people so please do not read the rest of this post if you have body image issues / eating disorders / related triggers. Especially because I include some negative talk about myself and Iโ€™m fine with that but I donโ€™t want anyone else to feel bad.

Iโ€™ve been avoiding this topic on my blog, even though itโ€™s in my mind so much of the time and it really just tortures me, because I worry about upsetting friends. I wonโ€™t talk about this often, but please let me have this post. Don’t click read more if this topic will upset you. Iโ€™d hate to lose followers for something I gave fair warning on.

CW: Body image, dieting, calorie counting and the like. ๐Ÿ’ง

I feel so. Freaking. Fat. I mean, by medical standards Iโ€™m sure I am at least a bit overweight. Iโ€™m 5โ€™1โ€ and not long ago was 130 lbs without any clothes on. Recently I actually reached 131 lbs. Iโ€™ve never seen that number on the scale before. And this happened between January and now… sigh. I ended 2019 at 119 lbs and getting there was SO HARD… ideally I want to get to 110 lbs, which I was at one point, but GOD I have no self control at all.

And, I shouldn’t have to say this after all the warnings, but this is about me. Me, not you, not other people: I would not consider someone with my body shape fat, but it is what it is, I want to be small, and lightweight, for a ton of personal reasons (some related to me being a Little.) Now I’m not these things, it’s my fault, and I’m angry at myself for it. ๐Ÿ˜ฉ

My lack of self control is really all it comes down to. I am home all the time and I snack all the time. I love Japanese snacks. I love sweets and coffee, I love gummi candy. Thankfully Iโ€™ve never been one to eat a lot, so my horrible food choices balance out a little with that. Otherwise I think the situation would be a lot worse.

It really got bad with COVID. Itโ€™s a little comforting that literally everyone around me got fat. Food is our only comfort right now I suppose. I’ve heard multiple family and friends tell me “this is the heaviest I’ve ever been.”

But, being smaller (back when I was) made me so comfortable in my clothes and outfits. Right now I donโ€™t feel comfortable at all. Or Little. I havenโ€™t even been dressing Little much because when Iโ€™m heavier I just feel older.

Recently though, I started doing better. I got into making smoothies! And since my main issue is snacking between meals, Iโ€™m concentrating on removing that from my day. Iโ€™ve also cut off alcohol (I was having a glass of wine every other night and sometimes multiple nights in a row… not good). I was having two coffees a day: now, I only have one. I no longer have dessert after dinner.

Now itโ€™s like this: morning, my canned coffee and a handful of cereal. Anytime between 12:00pm and 2:00pm I make my smoothie, about two servings. The smoothie is healthy but not over the top so. I try to make it yummy.

Ingredients I have used are strawberries, blueberries, blackberries, bananas, non-fat plain yogurt, peanut butter (recently acquired a powder instead of pure peanut butter, for flavor and far less calories) kale, oatmeal, a little bit of vanilla extract, milk. On my last trip to the grocery store I also got mango, avocado, and peaches. I change what I include every time. I may add the tiniest bit of dark chocolate flakes (very little) for a special treat. I add seeds. I sweeten with Splenda. Overall they are fairly low calorie for something unbelievably filling.

With this I fill almost two large Tervis tumblers. I have one at noon, and if needed, I have all or some of the other (dinner is usually not until 9:00pm.) I make varied, yummy dinners, I only eat one serving as a rule but I donโ€™t obsessed over healthy eating then, as itโ€™s my only normal meal of the day.

I also donโ€™t guilt myself regardless of how much smoothie I want to have. I am free to drink it all if I feel the need.

And I donโ€™t snack: at all. Only on date night (and maybe Friday night) I allow myself an extra coffee and snack, and even then, I am cautious with it.

In just a few days of this and with no added exercise, I have lost 3 pounds.

It may seem like Iโ€™m not trying hard enough food wise… but, I am looking for stuff I enjoy and something I can keep up. I donโ€™t want to lose weight and then slowly go back to normal. I want to keep it off, and I donโ€™t want to be hungry or not looking forward to my meals. So I want to find a happy and healthy balance. This is also why I allow myself one or two weekly snacks, because I have a lot of snack food I love at home. And if I feel like โ€œIโ€™ll never have a chance to eat this nowโ€ Iโ€™ll just fall off the wagon.

I want to add exercise into the mix. But doing stuff indoors doesnโ€™t motivate me, and the heat and humidity outside are horrible. So I may look into just starting early morning walks even if itโ€™s just walking.. just to add a little something in. But maybe soon the weather will become more pleasant as we near the end of the year.

Anyway thatโ€™s it for this post. I donโ€™t think Iโ€™m ugly or anything, ok. I donโ€™t hate myself. I just want to be thin because my body feels more comfortable to be in, and my clothes fit better. ๐Ÿ˜… Wish me luck!

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