A Blur Of Samey Days

Pandemic life was already really weird. For many people stuck at home, sometimes it’s hard to know what day of the week it is –our little routines are what gives us a sense of time and place, rather than the calendar alone.

I’m always home, so I rely on those time “markers” all the more. With Christopher relegated to the guest room as he recovers from COVID and our daily routine completely out the window, it’s even more disconcerting. It’s Sunday? I think? It feels like I’m living the same day over and over.

My mind is on the holidays a lot. I realized that the idea of spending them with just my mom is flawed. My mom is the one person I truly can’t be with, at least not without constantly disinfecting surfaces and wearing masks. I really don’t know what I’m going to do… no matter what, someone will likely be mad at me or hurt by my decision.

Anyway. Today I completed another commission. Even as I do so, a thought that goes around my head a lot is… I wish to just stop taking commissions. I really do. I know I won’t. Maybe I could at least scale it back dramatically? I need to go back to traditional work, to drawing for me, to my books, which see sporadic bursts of intense work before commissions swallow me yet again. I want to return to sitting in front of my drawing board thinking hmm, what should I draw? And having a chance to ponder because I don’t have a list of 20 things to get through. To daring to try new things because there isn’t a set expectation that I need to deliver upon.

Don’t get me wrong… I don’t hate drawing for other people, I’m just trying to find whatever it is I lost years ago, in regards to focusing on things other than furry and commissions, and I don’t know if I can do that without a serious scaling back of taking new work. But I’ve tried that before, and it didn’t quite work. I could try again, though.

I did draw something for myself today though. Made some new banners for the headers of individual blog posts. I have to admit, this blog really makes me so happy. Ever since I have it, it became less about showing off items I bought (I don’t count my teddies… I feel I’m just introducing new friends with those) and more about my life, my art, my books. You know. Meaningful things.

I have just a handful of followers and the only frequent commenter has been my good friend Nate, yet, this lack of interaction from the “masses” hasn’t been bad at all, rather, the complete opposite, I feel more free to write what I want and speak my mind.

It’s funny, when I was young, I wanted to be famous. I wanted lots of eyes on me. Now I want the complete opposite. Fame is not just overrated, it’s terrifying. At least in our Internet age.

Anyway that’s it for today’s ramble. Christopher isn’t better or worse, he’s always been pretty okay except for the first day. We’re being super careful though. As you can expect, Kotoko is missing him terribly. She’s been spending time with the other cats, but surprisingly hasn’t been looking for love from me much (which she normally does a lot.)

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