Early Christmas! ๐ŸŽ„โœจ

Yesterday we celebrated Christmas! My mom and sis in law are visiting. So I got to give them my presents and viceversa. Also to Christopher since he will be spending actual Christmas with them, while my mom will be visiting with me, due to COVID.

I got the thing I wanted most of all, the “Slugs and Snails” book by Robert Cameron. It’s an expensive, niche book from the UK, very scientific type stuff. I think it will take me at least a year to read it thoroughly. Because of the cost, that was a present from everyone. From my mom in law I also got an Uber gift card and Piofiore: Fated Memories, an otome I’m really looking forward to playing. She also gave us presents for all the cats and a Petsmart gift card to get a little something for the snails.

After presents we watched The Shop Around The Corner. It was a very cute little Christmasy movie from the 40’s.

CW: Body image / eating talk under the cut, PLEASE stop here if this topic is upsetting to you.

Physically I’m not feeling so well –likely an overabundance of rich foods.

This is going to sound crazy but I think next week I’m gonna get a lock for one of the cabinets, put all my junk food there, and give Christopher the key. I hated how I looked in photos this Christmas. I look pregnant almost. Even though I’m still at 129 lbs… I think I lost muscle mass and gained fat, so despite my weight only changing a bit, physically I do look a lot fatter, and there’s nothing wrong with being fat (I’m not unhealthy) but I just don’t like how my clothes fit and how I feel overall. ๐Ÿ˜ž I allowed myself to not exercise and eat pure garbage all year long. Now the year is almost over. It’s time to make a change.

I’ve already learned that due to my lack of self control, physical impediments from my bad habits are what works for me: I give Christopher my cards to hide, I use internet blockers (actually recently I blocked anything Charlie Bears related because I don’t want to spend any more money in them, as much as I do love them). I need physical impediments to my temptations. So I think I’ll just put everything in a cupboard, lock it, and have one snack a day. Sure, maybe it’s extreme but I’ll just do whatever works for me. ๐Ÿคทโ€โ™€๏ธ

I’m very, very tired for some reason, just utterly exhausted. I’m not sure why. Simply put I do NOT feel like myself, and it’s a bad feeling that I’ve been trying not to ignore since last night… it’s not emotional, just a general… “eeeh”… Being so tired makes me down emotionally I think –what I mean is that the tired feeling I can’t seem to shake is the source of me being down, I don’t think I would be otherwise.

I hope I’m not getting sick, I am so worried about that all the time. I psyched myself out about getting sick so many times this year and I never did in the end. Fingers crossed, but if I still have any doubts I’ll just tell my mom not to come after all. I’ve made my peace with disappointments this year, and I can’t risk my mom’s life. We’ll see how I feel tomorrow morning, though.

Sending love to everyone~ ๐Ÿ’•๐ŸŽ„

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