IMPORTANT: This WILL be a VERY triggering blog post, discussing physical punishment of children, and my own childhood experiences. Please proceed very carefully. You continue reading at your own discretion. Please, if this would send you into some sort of spiral, do not read further. I think most people would find this post upsetting to read. Please be careful and aware of what you can and cannot handle.
BEFORE YOU COMMENT: In all of my spanking art, I always ask that the topic not be discussed, either pro or against. I’m not going to ask for that in this post, with one caveat: please do not speak in favor of abusing children in this manner here. It’s all well and good if you were spanked as a kid and don’t consider it abuse. I consider spanking “socially condoned abuse”, a case in which I blame society as a whole rather than individual people, who are often victims themselves, in an awful trickle-down effect. You’re welcome to discuss your experiences, but I will not make my blog a place where you give excuses on why you should physically strike a child to cause fear and pain to them.
Today I was updating the disclaimer for the spanking art in my galleries, after actually removing all of the subgalleries specific to the topic. I used to have this art very separate from the rest, to make it easier for folks browsing my galleries to avoid any triggers. But, even though it’s such a small part of my gallery out of 1,516 submissions, drawn only once in a rare while, when I saw them all in a single folder I worried that someone could just… use that against me in some way, as people have tried to do in the past. I even considered deleting them all, but I didn’t. I just put it among the rest of my art as it was before, all marked as mature given the sensitivity of the topic.
I don’t think I’ve ever done a proper post on this topic, or why I draw it, and what it means to me. Or why, when such art gets misinterpreted, I feel so violated and hurt. While nothing has happened, and there has been no drama, today I felt like talking about it. So here we go.
I grew up in a very different world than many of you when it comes to this topic. It was the 80s-90s in a Latin country in generally poorer areas. People absolutely spanked their kids, as was I, and my parents before me. But when it came to me, not only did I find it absolutely disturbing and violating, I couldn’t abide it happening to others either. And that was something I was exposed to quite often. Heck, we had a little cartoon that played a few times a day on certain channels (Hijitus) the main character of which was this little kid who was a superhero, and who went around spanking all the villains (adults!) But basically someone always got spanked by someone in this cartoon. It was bizarre.
People spanked their kids in public. People spanked their kids inside their homes with such ferocity, that you could hear it from outside. I can never forget the screams of the little twin boys in the house at the corner of my block. Sometimes when you walked by you could hear the noise of the belt and the little boys screaming. No one did anything, because it didn’t happen often, so the father was simply seen as being “stern”, but not abusive. So, my definition of “abuse” when it came to spanking was pretty skewed as a child. But I always knew it was wrong.
What I myself experienced, as far as the physical aspect, was extremely mild. However, it had a profound mental effect. It stunted the speed with which I would emotionally mature, planted the seeds of a lifelong fetish (for many years I wouldn’t be able to have a relationship that didn’t include some aspect of it) and to this day causes me to feel really embarrassed if any scenes or topics come up on TV that have to do with anything happening to butts if other people are in the room, even very cartoony stuff. Forget spanking, just butts are enough. And it’s not a pleasant feeling, it’s a “God, kill me now” feeling. So, basically, it messed me up. Hilariously, because of the frequency of spankings within it, the little ditty at the start of the Hijitus cartoon is a trigger for me. When it came on TV when I was a kid, I always wanted to stay, and also to desperately leave the room. It was g r e a t. (It wasn’t.)
To add to this, being casually exposed to this sort of child abuse in my everyday life and community also messed me up. I CANNOT abide screaming. If a woman or child get on a screaming fit on TV, I have to leave the room. It creates a flight-or-fight reaction in me that is extremely intense.
I tried so many times as a little girl to explain to my mom what being spanked was doing to me. I remember being like, nine years old and looking for books on psychology that explained why it was so bad. My mom wouldn’t hear it, and whenever I said I’d never spank my own children, she responded that “I’d understand when I had children of my own”. This is one of the many reasons why I decided I never wanted children: I do believe this behavior trickles down (my mom got it so, SO much worse than I did, it was serious abuse by even a hardened person’s standards). I have a short temper, and so, rather than ever running the risk of lifting my hand towards a child (as I was warned I would surely succumb to) it played a factor in me choosing to never be in that situation, period.
When I tell you all of this, which is all really hard for me to write down, is so you understand that at the core, this is a very difficult and triggering topic for me, even though spanking is something I have turned into a source of fun in my everyday life.
Because I enjoy it as a sexual thing as an adult, you may wonder why I would draw the types of scenes I draw. I don’t really draw spankings between adults, and I don’t draw spankings with sexual undertones. I also have a dislike for spanking scenes that show a caretaker or parent spanking with a mean smirk or smug look on their face, unless there’s been some sort of story to make the spanked character the spawn of Satan, basically so cruel that even a harsh spanking seems a tame retribution. But generally I dislike it.
There’s a big loss of agency in being spanked as a child. If you choose to put yourself in that situation as an adult, with another adult, even if a “consensual non-consent” type of arrangement, it’s your choice. Your agency. As a child, you do not have this agency, and the utter helplessness and violation of having this done to you is a terrible thing. Some people handle it better than others, and say “I turned out just fine” either in spite of or because of it. I can only speak for myself, and I consider it something that I managed to get through, but not without mental scars. I think I just had a predisposition to be far more emotionally affected by it than the average child, because, as I mentioned, what I got was far tamer than what my peers got, yet I seemed far more emotionally troubled by it. You could say I never got over it. I still brood over instances that happened when I was 6, when I was 9.
And that is why I draw it. Because those feelings are never fully resolved. I get to take some of my agency back when I am in control of the scene I am drawing, just as I do when I make it a part of my sex life (this, I hope is clear, goes in very different compartments in my head.) When it comes to art of child characters with their caretakers, you’ll often notice I like drawing scenes where the spanking feels deserved (especially if the child character put themselves at risk of harm by disobeying) or, aftercare scenes, that show love and consolation. Often, naturally, I put a lot of emphasis on the butts when I draw them, which is my own “I’m in control of this aspect” sort of thing, because normally I have a hard time even looking at a butt because I get a negative feeling of just utter mortification and shame. While I’m drawing it though, it goes away for a little bit. I drew it and it’s not taking me by surprise.
When I draw the scenes, I’m in control. It gives me a place to put my unresolved feelings that at 37 I still carry with me. I can pour them into a scene that ends up being loving, or funny, or deserved, even though it never felt like that to me in childhood. Sometimes, I’ll draw a scene that actually feels sad and severe because it does harken me back to the feeling of helplessness and utter sadness and, those are more rare, but sometimes I just need to feel that, too… but I’m not sure why.
I guess I can compare it to this. There’s someone who isn’t in my life anymore (not dead, just not in my life.) I really miss this person. For years now, sometimes I take out one of my favorite photos of them, and I look at it. They’re smiling up at me, their shoulders on a table at Starbucks, holding an unopened snack bar in their teeth, and they are smiling the happiest, friendliest smile, rare for them, their eyes literally sparkling, and they’re smiling at me. I look at that photo once in a while, to see if the pain is as bad as before, or if it has lessened (and it does lessen a little each time.)
When it comes to spanking, and my more upsetting memories and feelings, it doesn’t hurt anymore. So you could say, I draw sadder/more unfair scenes, and remember feeling that way, and then I also remember “I’m okay now, these memories no longer hurt.” And that’s why I draw those scenes. It’s a confirmation that I am okay now.
A long time ago (and a couple more recent times) I had a few people imply that my spanking art belonged to the category of drawn c*b p*rn (because naked cartoon furry butts, I suppose…? They also had an issue with cartoon nudity in reference sheets, so perhaps I shouldn’t really have paid attention to them, and I tried not to.) But, in light of everything I have written above, you can imagine how utterly violating it feels to have that even remotely suggested. Like, I took my agency back, and someone else wants to take it from me yet again, but under a different excuse.
For this reason, my spanking art always makes me nervous these days. I don’t draw it often, though I still want to. And I made it a little less conspicuous in my galleries, though I didn’t remove it. Every year or so I reach out to Dragoneer to make sure it’s still within site parameters, and always save his responses.
I’m not sure why I wrote this today, I guess it’s been on my mind. I felt that perhaps my own stance on the topic may not have been clear to people, nor my reasons for what I do. It occurred to me that when I draw all of this spanking art people might think I’m for spanking kids IRL, when in reality, if someone beat their child in front of me, I think I would have a very hard time not getting violent with the person doing this.
I’m sure some of you will say that sometimes, there’s no other choice. And if you have a two year old that just disobeyed you by running into traffic, I’m sure a single swat won’t scar them for life. Probably. Will it? I don’t remember when it happened, but I do know there was one time in my life, when I was too young to remember anything else, that I remembered not fearing any sort of physical violence from adults. It was not on my mind’s radar. Butts weren’t something that mortified or embarrassed me in the least. I remember that feeling vividly, because one day it changed completely.
I don’t think, if you ever have spanked a kid, that it makes you a shit human being automatically. After all, most people in my generation experienced, did it to their kids, or both. The only opinion I can have is as a non-parent, and that is: it fucked me up. It was SUPER mild (never left marks, lasted under a couple minutes) and it still fucked me up royally. And most people I know didn’t experience a mild version of it. And a LOT of people I know, that are now spankos, were fucked up by it. They managed to turn it into something they now enjoy, but most of them don’t have good memories of it as kids.
In closing… regardless of funny descriptions I may write along with them, or the way it may come across in my art, this is always a form of therapy for me, though I am not usually thinking about it the way I go into detail here. It’s usually more lighthearted for me, I’m not psychoanalyzing myself in every piece, but every piece of art including it is, in some hidden little way, a form of healing and coping. I love teasing my fellow spanko friends, and all that. But even that act is one of making this bad memory something that is now “in my control”.
Hopefully, if anyone ever had doubts about why I make this art, this post helps clarify that a little bit. Thanks for reading it.