I Don’t Want To Live On This Planet Anymore: An Essay 💢

CW for a LOT of upsetting shit. If you’re easily offended or if you have triggers, I recommend not reading further. Also, after reading this, you may not like me anymore. But that’s okay.

I wonder if this is something normal, something that happens to all people as they get older –I wonder, a lot, if I’m just becoming Gen X’s version of a boomer. 🙃

I feel, a lot of the time, as though I have a millennial and a boomer living inside me, who cannot agree on anything except that they both hate Ayn Rand. Lately though, I’m not even sure of that –I’m not sure of anything anymore, other than the fact that somedays I hate everything and everyone in a way –though granted, I am using these words hyperbolically and liberally.

Basically, I can’t stand the way the world has become, though it’s… better, I guess? But also not. I’m sure Gen Z and most millennials see people like me as I once saw some “old” people: “They have some shitty views that can’t be changed, but that’s okay. They will die off, so let’s be kind and try to get along until then.”

Apologies, the paragraph above doesn’t make a lot of sense, so I will try to put into words the turmoil that has been growing inside of me for the past ten years. It’ll be a bit disjointed, so please stay with me, unless, you know, you have something better to do.

I’m going to pick a few random problematic topics to use as examples, but there are many of them.

I think trigger warnings are WAY overused, to an absurd degree, particularly in fiction. But I also kinda hate people who roll their eyes at trigger warnings. I’m not sure why both feelings happen inside me at the same time.

I don’t think cancel culture and “natural consequences” are the same thing at all in most cases. I think cancel culture is terrible, by and large. But when I see conservative celebrities rage about cancel culture because they get dragged for posting anti-vaxx memes, I also think it serves them right. I honestly hate both sides, the side that foams at the mouth to cancel the next politically incorrect target, and the side that acts like an asshole and gets that reaction as a result. 🙄

When I see blue lives matter flags flying, I cringe at best, while other times I get a similar, gross feeling as when I see the Confederate flag –perhaps because I so often see them together. It makes me angry.

But when I see people saying stuff like “ACAB” it makes me equally angry. I just feel like both sides are being assholes: cops are people, obviously not all of them are bad, because it doesn’t work that way, no matter how one wants to twist it that way for some political purpose. But again: if someone starts defending cops in my presence, I also get rankled. It’s like I hate both opinions, and I don’t know why. 🤷‍♀️

I’m pansexual, it makes me happy to see gay representation in my shows and movies. But I also get kinda annoyed when old characters that never showed gay inclinations are suddenly touted as gay icons. When someone complains about forced representation I get a bad feeling, though. Like why does this really bother you. But it also bothers me. I feel like my personality is being split in two. 😣

I used to hate cartoons like Porky Pig when I was little because of my own stuttering. I think in this day and age that wouldn’t be allowed if it was a brand new show, because it makes a joke of stuttering. Same when a joke is made of someone having an epileptic fit. I used to think that it was a good change. But today, my god, I’d so much rather feel deeply uncomfortable by a cartoon like that, than live in this current world, where jokes about tragedies or sad things are no longer acceptable. Everything is very serious, and as such, harder to cope with.

I remember when I first got interested in writing. I was often told of the amazing power you had when you wrote: you could write anything, whether magical, horrible, violent, scary, anything, and it was okay, because it wasn’t real. That fascinated me! It was obvious, if you were writing fiction, that it should not be taken as a guide to life.

A woman reading a steamy romance novel could enjoy a scene that was a little r*pey, and just have fun with that: it was fiction, it was racy and a little taboo, no one thought anything else of it. Obviously, no one wants to be sexually assaulted IRL. LOTS AND LOTS of women enjoy reading scenes like that from the comfort of their couches.

That used to be accepted as even empowering; well, it’s not okay anymore. As a woman, I feel it is too bad, but I’m old, and I know my opinion is outdated, out of touch, and irrelevant. I am not saying this to mock myself to make a point: this is the truth.

A lot of the media I enjoy is no longer acceptable, and more of it will become unacceptable as years go by. Hell, how is most anime even okay anymore? And otomes like the ones I am playing? There were scary, uncomfortable scenes in one of the games I am playing… had there been a trigger warning for them, the emotional impact would have been nil for me. I’m so glad there wasn’t one. I’m so glad the games made me uncomfortable.

Now, to not offend sensitivities, I have to put a CW on this post, and use a * in the descriptor I wrote a couple paragraphs above, AND I will will get shit anyway, for saying “a woman reading a romance novel” as opposed to, “a person”. Even though it should be obvious that anyone can enjoy romance novels, regardless of their gender, but their target is generally a female audience.

I guess what rankles me most is that there are people who, when consuming any form of media or interacting with anyone, are doing it primarily with the focus of finding something to attack or judge, or be offended by. Even I have fallen to this toxic way of thinking at times. This may come at the guise of attempting to have a civil discussion, but if they can’t sway you, civility rarely remains onstage for long.

And yet —

And yet… 😔 if I were reading this post written by someone else, I’d probably think “this person is probably a dickhead conservative”. But I’m not. I guess I’m a dickhead liberal? Although I’m not sure I’m liberal enough to still carry that banner anymore. And yet I’m WAY too liberal to carry a conservative banner. There is no flag for me to stand under. I feel like I hate all current viewpoints and, therefore, everyone would see me as an enemy for my opinions if I was too forward with them. I am not doing that here, despite what you might think. I’d never. That’s social suicide these days –whoops, maybe I should have used a * in that word too. That term isn’t okay anymore, unless you’re specifically referring to suicide. It’s okay though, my uncle killed himself. Does that mean I can use the term as I want? *laughs bitterly*

Forgive me, I’m being purposely crass, I suppose, because I’m just kind of angry, these days…

My god, I am such an asshole, really though, I’d definitely think this if someone else had written this, but it’s me writing it. A while ago, I hoped that, eventually, the part of me that can’t deal with the current woke culture would catch up to the part of me that hates itself –become fully woke and enlightened.

But that’s not happening. Instead, I just hate myself. And now, probably a few of you do, too. Lol. It’s okay. I still like you even if we disagree, and I do apologize for being a garbage person by today’s standards (not my own, though.)

Wait, that was a non-apology. Actually, it seems all apologies are non-apologies lately, at least according to Twitter. I’ve never seen an apology that was sincere enough to satiate everyone.

I just feel so out of place, you know? If I hang out with less PC people, I end up thinking they’re dicks. If I hang out with very progressive people, I hardly dare to breathe in front of them, let alone crack a joke. I do know a few people, close friends, who will read this post and nod: they get it. And that helps. But it just feels like there isn’t a place for “me” in this world anymore. I’m just like, an alien, trying to figure out how to interact with these “human beings” without offending them. Crazy, huh? Wait. Can’t say that either. Can I say that if I’ve been diagnosed with mental illness at some point? Oh well. Too late.

Before you jump down my throat for my opinions, please realize this: it’s okay. You’ve won. This is the world now. It will continue changing to your standards, and that’s a good thing, I suppose. I am now one of those people with, as I used to think of other older people “shitty views that can’t be changed” who “will die off eventually”. By then though, your grandkids will probably canceling you for stuff that you hold acceptable now. Just saying. You’ll almost certainly be in my shoes someday. *shakes cane*

At the end of the day, I’m just sorry I couldn’t keep up… I couldn’t keep up with being today’s equivalent of a Decent Human Being™. I’ve kept up enough to know to generally keep my mouth shout, so I don’t offend others (this post is a bit of a rarity, but please, let me have this vent.)

Sometimes I wish I’d been born a Zoomer: then, everything would make sense to me. The things that seem excessive to me, too easily offended, too PC, etc, would not seem so. Or maybe a little older… maybe I’d rather have been a Boomer. Then I’d be too much of a lost cause to care enough to write this post, and I would have enjoyed a less PC life.

Anyway. I always have trouble ending these things. I’m a dick I guess, I am sorry, except not really? Kind of. Conflicted feelings and all that. Sorry if you hate me now.

But not really.

Maybe?

As the title said, I don’t want to live on this planet anymore, but that’s ok: someday, I won’t! And that should satisfy both me, and today’s cultural standards.

Addendum: If you go on a whiny tirade against woke culture, my millennial side will hate you. Then again, if you go on a whiny tirade as to why my post shows why cancel culture needs to exist, my Gen X side will hate you. You probably can’t win. What a world! BUT, if you feel as I do, and you’ve found some way to make peace with it, I’d welcome the advice.

Addendum 2: Whenever I say “hate”, I am (usually) referring to profound irritation. I don’t hate most things. I do hate beef tripe, though. Disgusting.

Addendum 3: If you pick any specific issue I raised above (such as ACAB, trigger warnings, your choice of problematic topic –I’ll hide your comments. This post isn’t about ONE specific issue. It’s a vent. Don’t come start drama with me. The reason I feel so conflicted is that I see merit in almost all problematic issues. I also feel like most things are taken to extremes with no room for growth or dialogue. And I’m tired… I’m so tired, man.

6 thoughts on “I Don’t Want To Live On This Planet Anymore: An Essay 💢”

  1. Oh, I get what you mean though. I understand this whole thing where you’re basically damned if you do/damned if you don’t regardless of what you try to do to make it right.

    The only way I’ve figured out to deal with the way stuff is…and it’s gonna sound so dumb…to ignore it.

    I don’t do anything to purposely bother people, if they come to me and explain _why_ something is a problem, I might agree and rectify the situation. But I’m not gonna sit around and trawl through everything I’ve ever done online to ‘clean’ it. That’s not how it works, people. Not how any of it works.

    They want finished product _without_ growth and change. You’re just supposed to hit the ground at birth knowing all the right things to say and do. They just roll around screaming like the pod people from Invasion of the Body Snatchers.

    1. I wish I could ignore it… but it’s gotten to a point where I can’t say I like X (canon) character pairing in an anime because it’s too problematic. I can’t write certain character dynamics without being attacked because they are problematic. The list of similar situations go on and on. I wish other people could ignore ME. Haha. ^_^; That’d be ideal. No matter what, writing this out felt good, and I thank you for your comments both here and on FA.

  2. Wow. Now that is an honest post. I think that’s why it is called “work” – because it is hard to be accepting of other viewpoints while at the same time saying “I will listen but not agree” and then “I will loudly disagree when you are done.” I hear you on all counts, even if I may not agree on all points. It is refreshing to see someone willing to echo many of the same sentiments I feel all the time, especially in terms of the extremes we go to.
    As a Christian (please don’t hate me), I keep thinking and here is why we need mercy and forgiveness. It’s not enough to keep shouting at each other. Sometimes, you have to pause and be like okay, I see you *trying* to be better. Meet halfway and all that. But then other times you need to remind the “other side” that you are not their doormat. It’s a process that requires time, effort, and maturity. As human beings, we prefer things easy, in memes and tweets.
    I hate living in this world too. Fortunately it’s part of my faith tradition that I can say that and even a seasoned therapist will say – oh, you mean in a Christian sense not in a gonna off yourself sense. And I’m like, why is someone offering to off me? In that case, never mind. Yeah, that’s what I mean because that makes my misery all okay and normalized then. You know? Anyway. Hope you have one whatever the f–k kind of day you want, as George Carlin would have said! Thanks so much for sharing this. You have no idea how much I needed to read this today.

    Anne

    1. I would never hate you for being a Christian, I was a Christian most of my life, and that experience made me who I am. Besides, I would never hate someone on the basis on their religion. Heck, there are very few things I can see myself hating someone over… I use the word in hyperbole in this post, but when we go to its true meaning, there are very few things I hate. Kicking puppies and doing taxes though, I do hate those.

      Thank you for your comment, Anne. I don’t have much to add, but with my blog being so “peculiar” to put it kindly, it is not every day that I get comments like yours, and it really means a lot to me, to make this sort of connection with someone based on a random rambling of a post. I’m very grateful for your comment and your insight.

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