Not Coping For A Little While Longer ๐Ÿ’ฆ

Hey everyone. I thought I should make a little post, because my blog has been slightly and only temporarily back-burner’d, as those with a very keen eye may have noticed. My daily art posts are pre-scheduled, only my fireball post was a proper post since I didn’t want to skip talking about something so momentous.

I’ve been barely coping due to a few very stressful things. Kotoko was rather ill for a few days, again (and, again, seems much better now.) Mostly, I am deeply stressed about the upcoming citizenship test.

This will sound dumb but some of the support I’ve received has made my stress worse. No one really seems to be contemplating my failure or telling me that such a thing would even be okay. Everyone is 100% sure I’ll do fine, more than fine, can’t wait to hear how I passed, etc. The pressure those expectations put on me, in addition to the stress of the test, is massive. It’s clear I would be a terrible disappointment to everyone if I somehow fail. And, I don’t actually know all my answers.

I do not do well in oral tests. They are terrifying. It makes me so angry that it has to be oral, and not written, it’s so unfair, I know the vast majority of the answers. When taking the online test, I make sure to answer in my mind before looking at the multiple choices (because the in-person test isn’t multiple choice) and I get either the 20 questions right, or 18-19 right at the least. If only I could do it written, I could answer far more than the required 6 out of 100 the in-person interview will ask of me. But oral… it’s a whole different monster for me to handle.

So to sum this up, I’m barely functioning and decided to put my fitness logs on pause until after the test, which is why you haven’t been seeing them. I’m a lot less okay than I seem, even at home with Christopher I think I’m putting up a decently okay front, but I don’t feel okay.

I’ve felt randomly nauseous for like two days now, and every once in a while a voice keeps screaming “I wanna die I wanna die I wanna die” in the back of my head, I just want to go to a different planet, the stress I feel is fucking unbelievable. I hate this. God I fucking hate this. I want it to be over. Haha… ah, at least I let it out a little.

Anyway now you know why my normal posts kinda vanished, I’m here, I just can’t handle anything. ๐Ÿ™ƒ

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