To begin with, I’m probably done taking photos because my heart isn’t in them. It feels stupid to post them when I feel so utterly down.
Not much has changed. My mood is still absolutely awful and I cannot let it out anywhere (of course it spills out of me regardless, no matter how much I try).
I don’t want to bring Christopher down anymore. I know it makes him so sad. He wants to cheer me up, but he can’t. So, this is my only outlet.
I remain so stressed about the house and the cats, so bummed and disappointed by the canceled plans, I am so uninterested in this week’s plans and literally counting down the days until I am home again… I SO don’t want to go to the parks. I don’t want to go anywhere. I want to go home and mourn what we couldn’t do, and work on art, which invariably cheers me up. That’s all I want and I wouldn’t be a sad sack, I’d literally be happy if I could only do that at this point.
I really was fine with the last two vacation cancellations. This third one, followed by a week of plans I really don’t want to do, is just breaking me.
Every activity on its own would be a fun weekend. But it’s not stuff I want to spend a whole week doing. And it is SO MUCH. It is too much. There is no rest, only frantic packing and unpacking, three different hotel rooms, no privacy, a total of ten hours on a rattling train, walking for hours in 90° + weather with burning hot sun and insane humidity, and multiple hours total of waiting for rides that I (mostly) don’t want to go on.
The worst part is having to be grateful about it all, even though I never wanted this. I am well aware that not wanting this makes me a bad person, a killjoy. But it’s not like I’m against everyone else being happy and having fun. I just don’t want to be here.
Well… it’s not like everything is terrible. I’ve enjoyed playing cards and having dinners together, very much, I always do.
I’m really mostly in a bad mood because of the week ahead, because of wanting no part of this, and having to force myself to be cheerful and grateful about things I don’t want to do. Otherwise, so far it is a very nice time.
Anyway have a random Sissy, my mom in law’s cats have cheered me up a little at times:
I’m all packed now (hooray?) and I had to leave Beanie in the car so I have as little stuff to hunt for in the morning as possible. I hated leaving him alone so I kinda tucked him in.
Going to sleep I guess. Up at 5:45am.