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To begin with, I’m probably done taking photos because my heart isn’t in them. It feels stupid to post them when I feel so utterly down.

Not much has changed. My mood is still absolutely awful and I cannot let it out anywhere (of course it spills out of me regardless, no matter how much I try).

I don’t want to bring Christopher down anymore. I know it makes him so sad. He wants to cheer me up, but he can’t. So, this is my only outlet.

I remain so stressed about the house and the cats, so bummed and disappointed by the canceled plans, I am so uninterested in this week’s plans and literally counting down the days until I am home again… I SO don’t want to go to the parks. I don’t want to go anywhere. I want to go home and mourn what we couldn’t do, and work on art, which invariably cheers me up. That’s all I want and I wouldn’t be a sad sack, I’d literally be happy if I could only do that at this point.

I really was fine with the last two vacation cancellations. This third one, followed by a week of plans I really don’t want to do, is just breaking me.

Every activity on its own would be a fun weekend. But it’s not stuff I want to spend a whole week doing. And it is SO MUCH. It is too much. There is no rest, only frantic packing and unpacking, three different hotel rooms, no privacy, a total of ten hours on a rattling train, walking for hours in 90° + weather with burning hot sun and insane humidity, and multiple hours total of waiting for rides that I (mostly) don’t want to go on.

The worst part is having to be grateful about it all, even though I never wanted this. I am well aware that not wanting this makes me a bad person, a killjoy. But it’s not like I’m against everyone else being happy and having fun. I just don’t want to be here.

Well… it’s not like everything is terrible. I’ve enjoyed playing cards and having dinners together, very much, I always do.

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I’m really mostly in a bad mood because of the week ahead, because of wanting no part of this, and having to force myself to be cheerful and grateful about things I don’t want to do. Otherwise, so far it is a very nice time.

Anyway have a random Sissy, my mom in law’s cats have cheered me up a little at times:

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I’m all packed now (hooray?) and I had to leave Beanie in the car so I have as little stuff to hunt for in the morning as possible. I hated leaving him alone so I kinda tucked him in.

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Going to sleep I guess. Up at 5:45am.

Hey all… So as previously mentioned the trip was definitely canceled. We couldn’t even do part of it. Most was refunded.

At this time, I’m still just getting over it. Spending time with family for the entire week with alternate plans is nice and ordinarily I would simply say that I’m having a wonderful time. But I am also so bitter and disappointed, this being the third cancellation of our vacation, I don’t care about anything anymore.

No one is showing feelings of disappointment, though surely we all have them, so I’m hiding them too, but, even as I’m having fun sporadically, I get bursts from time to time of just wanting to be home and alone with the cats, and like I don’t care about anything at this point. Our alternate plans are… “ok”. It’s not NYC or Walpole, it’s not lifetime dreams, I honestly couldn’t care less.

We will be doing some Orlando parks instead, starting tomorrow. I could pass on the parks, to put it mildly. It’s rainy and the heat is terrible and I don’t go on any rides (I don’t like them) so… 🤷‍♀️ honestly I think a good chunk of this week is gonna be me just trying to work on commissions to forget the world and hope for the week to be over.

At some point we’re getting on a train for eleven hours to go to Savannah, GA on some sort of tour, and I was mildly excited about that, but having looked at what’s in Savannah, I don’t care anymore about that either.

Sorry to sound so bitter in this post… Everyone here is being very cheerful and I’m making damn sure I put up that front too. But I’ve felt like crying a few times and still do once in a while. I’m so angry and sad. I just need to put those feelings somewhere (here) so I can make sure that they don’t spill over with family because it doesn’t help anyone.

In a more lighthearted note, there was a silly conversation about shrooms in the car and we picked one in a parking lot to give to Christopher.

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(He gracefully declined to touch it.)

Then we played cards. That was fun, we laughed a lot. I had one of my little Japanese coffees. An extremely xenophobic comment was made about my drink. That was less fun. 🙃

And then it was bedtime, at which time I wrote about half of this post.

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And the rest now (Saturday morning.)

I put my negative feelings here, but it didn’t help much haha. Breakfast came, my drink is wrong. Every small thing is making me see red, lol. I wish I could disappear, if only so my family and friends didn’t have to deal with me.