Hey everyone. Over the past little while, I’ve been doing some serious self-reflection, and I wanted to share that on this journal.
(If you are missing context/don’t understand some reference to specific events or people, please know that I won’t go into detail, I simply post it here so I can get as many eyes on this as possible. I am not closing comments to avoid conversation, I posted all of this on Twitter too, and you’re welcome to engage me there if you have something specific to tell me.) 💕
I don’t want people trying to make me feel better for having been a jerk, because I think that invalidates the feelings of people whom I have hurt. It’s ok, let me own up to my failings. I’m a big girl (sometimes). Please, let me recognize my own poor behavior.
I started off fairly well on my Twitter return, staying away from arguments from the sake of arguments and keeping my nose out of things that were none of my business. This didn’t last too long –even though it harms me emotionally, I fell back into it anyway.
Now it’s one thing when it harms only me, but no one else deserves to be even the mistaken brunt of my ocassional keyboard rage, so easily blasted out into the world, without care for the repercussions.
I didn’t think I had to be reminded of this, but there ARE people on the other side, and these people have feelings and experiences that do not mirror my own.
There are plenty of opinions on the internet, and mine are not special, or witty, or unique, they are just mine. My own noise is not needed. Especially when I cancel out a dialogue before it can even begin.
Going forward, I’m going to try not to post about things that are controversial; if at all possible, I won’t post unhappy things on Twitter or here (maybe on my blog, and then I won’t crosspost them.)
I’ll concentrate on posting art and happy kidcore things on Twitter, and my pets, and above all, I’ll concentrate on being kind, and being quiet if I cannot be kind. This used to be a priority for me, but at some point, I lost track of it.
I’ve told myself a lot “Man, the fandom has become mean/crappy/cliquey/insert word”. Suddenly, I began to feel like I am part of the problem. I am not helping. Perhaps sanitizing my content will make me a little blander, but you guys don’t deserve my negativity or judgmental opinions.
I am going to work towards being a happy and positive energy and if I cannot do that, then I will simply take a break.
Even though Jaq forgave my shitty thread, I could have lost a VERY dear friend. I wanted to make my apology more public after having had a chance to reflect. I realized there probably have been multiple instances of me being a jerk to some degree or other over the past few years, that friends decided to look past because we are friends, even if they were hurt or upset by my words.
Actually there were definitely instances of this. I just fool myself with my own “UwU I like rainbows and teddy bears” front that I put up with, as if that meant that I can’t actually be horrible to people sometimes. I definitely can.
I also wish I could still apologize to Lucca for not bringing my advice and thoughts to him kindly and in private (or, you know, minding my own damn business) rather than making a journal earlier this year that (while it was well intended) hurt him –but that bridge is burnt.
I’ve prioritized feeling like I’m right, over the feelings of people I care about. Sometimes, it doesn’t matter if I’m right or not, what matters is that someone was hurt. I wish I had not forgotten this. I hope I won’t forget it again.
I also wish that, for all my talk about hating gossip, I had not sometimes gossiped about others using whatever excuse justified it in my head at the time. Just because someone hurt me, no matter how badly, doesn’t mean anyone else wants or needs to hear about it.
If you had to listen to me vent about such –and many of my close friends have– I am, so, so sorry. No matter my grief or trauma, it was a lot to put on you. I’m truly sorry. I wish I had not done it, and I’m grateful that you are still here for me.
I don’t know why it took me so long to take a hard look at my own behavior. I think my opinion of myself has always been a little too high, even in childhood –a paradox when compared to my awful lack of self-esteem (somehow I had both happen simultaneously.) 🙃
Hopefully it’s never too late to try to be better. I don’t think it’ll happen overnight, but I am going to try my best. I’m actually gonna try to do better in regards to my potty mouth as well, I didn’t use to swear all over the place, I’m not sure why I began, but I know it makes me appear much harsher than I used to present myself many years ago.
I just want to be softer, kinder, less of a busybody, less of… whatever I’ve become. Not because I dislike myself (I really don’t) but because I want to be a good energy in the lives of those who choose to include me in it, be it IRL or on FA or Twitter.
Please have patience with me if I fail at times –but it is okay to remind me privately so I can get back on track. Thank you for being there for me.