Ending The Day With A Smile ๐Ÿ˜Š

Well, you know me, in spite of my earlier vent art (which honestly helped me to have drawn) I can’t stay down for long… so, just like yesterday, I pushed myself to have a good day! I talked to my mom in law today too, which also helped me feel much better. I’m so looking forward to seeing her.

I did a lot of chores today, and I went on my evening walk. I got some very pretty photos during it:

I made Christopher tacos for dinner. Hereโ€™s a picture of them with a new little friend that I’ve wanted to get for a while:

CW: Weight loss discussion after the cut. Please do not proceed if you have an eating disorder and/or find posts of this sort triggering.

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Can’t Fix It

Lately I am not doing so well. It’s rare that I do proper vent art, it feels so wasteful and selfish, especially right now. Both for economic/time reasons and because anything that puts my own feelings into focus really seems terrible and makes me want to punch myself in the face. I considered making this post private, even (I certainly have posted vents privately before and never published them) but, I don’t want to feel so alone.

I’m a very emotional person, but on the other hand, I’m very solution-driven. I guess I was raised with a mentality that if you try hard enough you can help any situation or fix any problem that someone may be having, especially if you love them, especially if they have done it for you before. I feel like it’s my responsibility as a supportive friend, or partner. I need to be able to do this, otherwise I have failed in that most important responsibility.

Because of this, many times I have tried to “fix” pain or trauma in friends and loved ones that is not possible for me to fix. I keep trying to do it and feeling awful when I can’t. It’s presumptuous of me to even assume that I could.

And yet, I cannot convince myself that me trying harder, working harder, making more money, making the house nicer, buying fancy gifts, planning fun things, cooking special meals, just, being happier harder, isn’t going to fix it. I’ve been there. I know all of this is pointless, I know how it feels to have people try to force you to feel better. It sucks. The truth is that only patience can help, just, quiet, loving patience, but I am not good at the quiet part, or the patient part.

Standing idly while someone I love suffers, just feels like wilful inaction on my part, like I’m ignoring them, or not caring; it feels like abandonment. How do you stand idly by and continue greeting the day happily if the person who matters most to you can’t?

So, every morning, I try to think of what I can do that day to make things okay as fast as possible, or at least okay for that one day. I can’t accept that I can’t do anything at all, or that I can’t make it all better now. But I think that’s causing more grief than it does help. I understand this on a logical level, but my heart can’t accept it. So I just carry on with my day with an underlying quiet desperation and my brain still trying to come up with a magic solution for things that deep inside, I know only time can fix.

I know that from experience. I’ve been there. But I still can’t help it.

A Wonky Weekend But It Was Okay After All ๐Ÿ˜Š

You canโ€™t force a good day out of sheer will, but I think I helped it along a lot today.

My headache came and went, sometimes it was bad, and a few times today I did feel pretty low mood-wise. But I powered through all my chores, I worked on my blog, on commissions, I took care of the animals, did the grocery shopping, made Christopher a good meal (wellโ€ฆ there was an honest attempt), and made time to spend with him. That was important.

I also updated my character on Guild Wars 2, I want to make yet another attempt to get into this game since itโ€™s something that Christopher enjoys. I will say that, after this revamp, this is the most Iโ€™ve ever liked my character:

Right now Iโ€™m reading a bedtime story with Rosie, who as of writing this has cuddled up next to me after inspecting my book:

Anyway. Itโ€™s supposed to rain on and off all day tomorrow, but Iโ€™ll try to go on my walks, all the same. Iโ€™m hoping for a week of posting lots of commissions and Iโ€™ll be looking forward to a visit from my mom in law this weekend. She asked for empanadas so Iโ€™ll be making that.

Iโ€™m rambling (and possibly blowing my bedtime further? probably notโ€ฆ ๐Ÿค” to write this) so Iโ€™ll sign off hereโ€ฆ goodnight, everyone!