Birthday Dinner! ๐ŸŽˆ

Today was an amazing day. My husband and our partner took me on an โœจ extremely โœจ fancy birthday dinner at Komodo in Miami! I got to have their famous Pikachu drink. It really knocked me on my ass ๐Ÿ˜

Every bit of food was incredible. I forget the name of my meal; honestly, I was drunk. But it was amazing. So were the appetizers, and the ambience.

My dessert was so prettyโ€ฆ ๐ŸŽ‚โœจ

On another note we ordered Chipotle for lunch and of course our partner made my bowl name embarrassing… ๐Ÿ™„๐Ÿ˜’

Kitties Galore ๐Ÿฑ๐Ÿ’•โœจ

Over the past couple of weeks I’ve collected a bunch of photos of our kitties, so I figured I’d lump them all in one post. Enjoy!

๐Ÿฑ Tomoyo ๐Ÿฑ

These photos are from a day when I was playing with my Switch in bed and Tomoyo came to lay on my chest.

๐Ÿฑ Rosemary ๐Ÿฑ

Rosie was trying to get my attention while I cleaned the bathroom (she’s surrounded by bathroom things I moved to the guest room). Notice the blep!

This photo is from when our partner and I returned from a walk. We found Rosie having a stretchy nap outside. She was completely zonked out.

๐Ÿฑ Kotoko + Elliot ๐Ÿฑ

When we came out to pet Rosie after the previous photo, all the kitties came up to us, rolling on the ground and trying to get attention. Here’s Kotoko and Elliot:

๐Ÿฑ Elliot And Rosemary ๐Ÿฑ

Recently there was a really bad thunderstorm, so Elliot, who spends most of his waking hours on the porch, came upstairs with me. Rosie clearly needed comforting as well, because she got her little face right up to his.

That’s it for cats… trying to catch up on a bunch of stuff. More posts coming.

Rollercoaster ๐ŸŽข๐Ÿ˜ข

The last couple of weeks have been rough. Heck, the last month has, but especially the last few days. It seems like every other day something happens to send me into a deep spiral of emotional turmoil, and I hardly recover from one before it happens again.

My computer dying was one of the recent things. Thankfully my husband fixed it, generously covered the cost of a new motherboard and processor and even moved everything just as it was (Windows install and all) so nothing at all is different. Drivers etc everything is just as before except of course for the things that are no longer part of my computer. We removed associated software and added what actually was needed, as well as moved the Windows license, and I had to log in again to a few services (Steam, Adobe, iCloud, thatโ€™s mostly it).

A lot of the recent stuff that happened (cruise, COVID, iPad dying, computer dying, extended friend visits) left only small pockets of time to work on art, so a lot of my stuff is currently a bit delayed. I canโ€™t emphasize how much of a difference my commissionerโ€™s patience makes. But even so, knowing people are waiting longer than they should have makes me unhappy. Iโ€™m hoping that life can justโ€ฆ calm down. I need some normal downtime when nothing is happening but art.

Thereโ€™s also just been stuff that is too personal to get into. With me being someone who talks about so much private stuff you know that it is rare for me to say anything is โ€œtoo personal to talk aboutโ€. But recently, some stuff just is, and it is stuff that does affect me very intensely as far as emotions and mental well-being.

So Iโ€™ve had some high highs, but also some deeply crushing lows recently and I kinda keep those private so people mostly donโ€™t know, not even close friends.

A TL,DR would be: for a variety of reasons, I really havenโ€™t been okay at times. Iโ€™m also pretty confident that everything is going to BE okay. Sometimes life has conflict. Sometimes some stuff just takes a ๐Ÿ’ฉ. But I admit I did have times, recently, when I felt completely hopeless and unhappy regarding certain things. And I don’t think this feeling is just gone, I think it’s going to be coming back and worrying me for a while.

I think Iโ€™m on an upswing again, and Iโ€™m trying my hardest to be a positive force in my own life towards fixing those things that are negatives. Fix what I can and accept what I canโ€™t. Iโ€™m trying. If I could, I would probably seek counseling to better handle the things that upset me.

With that said, between my mental state and everything else that has been going on, itโ€™s certainly affected my artistic output. But I have never stopped working on art. I know no one has complained, but I still feel a need to both apologize and reassure.

Ultimately 70% of the reason behind my slowdown has been technical (related to my equipment/getting used to new equipment) Iโ€™m pretty good at pushing through my work even when Iโ€™m not emotionally okay. With both my iPad and computer being now new or basically the equivalent of new, hopefully that is the end of those slowdowns.

The rest has been related to family/friends/travel, and the last big event on that front is Mwako visiting me again soon. Once that visit has passed, I should be working at a normal pace again for the foreseeable future.

I should add (as Iโ€™ve mentioned before) that if you see updates on my blog slow down to a crawl it usually means Iโ€™m not okay. Itโ€™s just that I no longer vomit all of my depression and personal grievances quite in the same manner I used to all over social media. I donโ€™t want to use Twitter or my followers as a dumping ground for mental health issues and constant negativity. Constant rants and toxic vents rightfully drive people away, and some years ago I made a conscious decision to stop being that kind of person, because when others did that, it affected my own mental health.

I guess this also makes it a little harder to know if Iโ€™m ok or not. So, once in a while, I do a little check-in if this sort. I’m here, I’m working through some stuff. Please continue to bear with me.

Heavenly Dreams Puzzle ๐ŸŒ™๐Ÿงฉ

Today I completed another puzzle! ๐Ÿงฉ๐ŸŒˆ๐Ÿ™Œ This one is a bit of a breather, just 100 pieces, because my next one will be my biggest challenge yet at 500. I really love the colored pencil art of this one!

Here you can see it in more detail:

Despite being just 100 pieces, the pieces are massive, so it is still sizable, and will also take a spot in my mom in law’s puzzle wall. ๐Ÿ˜

Kayaking At Night ๐Ÿ›ถ

This weekend my mom in law visited us! She had to leave way early today but we still had fun. On Saturday I got to have lunch at Nine Five Pho which is one of my favorite restaurants!

In the evening, the four of us went kayaking! ๐Ÿ›ถ It was interesting to do that at night. Didn’t get good photos of the actual kayaking but we got a couple of goofy selfies.

Kayaking at night was very different and fun. The water was so warm!

Habits And Struggles

I’m typing this on my Alphasmart Neo. It’s been a while since I used this thing, and the keys don’t feel quite as clicky as I remember them. Maybe, like me, it’s feeling its age. It’s also possible that they never were that clicky to begin withโ€ฆ my mechanical keyboards may have spoiled me. Anyways…

I am typing on this because I am away from screens when using it (though of course, I am on a screen again as I post it a number of hours later on my blog, where you are now reading it). It is a rest for my eyes to work on this little machine, and a respite for my brain.

I have to admit that lately, I am not doing so well.

It started gradually, and predictably, when I grudgingly remade my Twitter accounts, and even my Instagram. I had to do this, because by staying on FurAffinity alone, I could no longer get enough commission work. Once back on Twitter, I ran a few polls, and it was evident that most furry commission work happened via Twitter, while as I’d observed, commercial and book illustration seemed to favor Instagram. It felt like a curse returned. I could not make a living on art and break free of these services that I had grown to hate so deeply. And I do. I think most of you who have followed me for longer than a year know by now how deep that animosity goes.

I thus attempted to offer my work in these platforms without having to engage beyond what was needed: follow no one, “like” no content. Reply only to people engaging with my work. Basically, do the bare minimum. And in fact, long ago this might have worked. There was a sweet spot where if you did not follow or interact, your growth would be slowed significantly, but not be completely stalled. These days though, without such constant interaction, Twitter will very purposely hide you. Not quite like shadowbanning, but perhaps not far from it in practical terms.

Twitter is so intense in forcing you to interact, that I get an average of 10 “recommended tweet” notifications to each of my five accounts if I don’t make an effort to create and/or interact with content in all of them daily. There is no good way of turning this off permanently.

So, with no obvious alternative and much to my chagrin, I did begin to follow other accounts. By compartmentalizing my content in five very different accounts geared towards specific audiences, I was able to somewhat reduce my exposure to toxicity. I forced myself to interact here and there. But in spite of everything that I tried to do to prevent it, before I knew it, the sense of addiction, of constantly refreshing to seek validation, the dread of reading my feed and consuming its ever-more-toxic content, it was all back.

The difference is that escape no longer feels easy or feasible, as it did on that freeing day a couple of years ago when I wiped all of my accounts. I am aware now that the bulk of my work, if it comes, will come from Twitter. And that if I don’t interact to some degree, Twitter will hide me. If Twitter hides me, I will sell little to nothing. Gradually, this is making my dream of making art for a living feel much less like my dream. My job is inescapably on Twitter, and working on Twitter was never my dream. But I don’t know what the solution is.

Moreover, it’s not just about my work. The following is a rehash of something you’ve seen me write a million times, but it rings true still: I feel isolated from my community.

When I first joined FA over ten years ago, the sense of small, strong community support and interaction lifted me up at a time of my life when I was so deeply lonely, that I sometimes cried myself to sleep. The fandom is made up of many small clusters and groups: I just happened to find one of them. Even my own subcommunity is made of these smaller clusters, so it’s not like I’m saying the fandom is dead/ruined or anything like that. I did say things like that before, now I think this is nonsense. It’s just my own “cluster” that has changed beyond recognition. And in the current zeitgeist, I no longer feel a cluster where I am “home” exists.

When it comes to the fandom, I very much present a completely different front depending on who I am speaking to. Very few people in the fandom (perhaps two or three, if that many) know me as myself. Maybe that’s normal. But way back in my early days, I did truly feel like I was being myself to everyone I met. This is very much no longer the case. I don’t remember exactly when it changed; I suppose it was gradual. Incredibly, I feel almost as isolated now as I did in my childhood days, something I never thought would happen after discovering the fandom, and while still being part of it.

I think I’ve expressed this before, though likely less strongly, but I hate the Internet. I used to love it, at least in the first form I experienced. Possibly many of you reading this were born after the Internet that I loved ceased to exist.

To me, the Internet of those days (mid to late 90’s and early 2000’s) was a place to pop in for maybe an hour or two once a day for a little fun and connection with strangers, all of which, it felt like to me, were potential friends. It was not life-encompassing. You did not carry it in your pocket. Life and its possibilities were still all mostly offline, and this made everything feel more solid, more real, and the Internet more like TV, something you’d turn on for a bit every day, but that was it (at least, so it was to me).

You got some emails (which you probably didn’t even check every single day) and maybe that was exciting. You wrote on your Livejournal, or your MySpace (that was the very, very tail end of the Internet I loved). In what were my earliest days, you found a topic you liked and went from page to page on a Webring, because it was the best way to find the niche content you were interested in. Going from page to page was a completely and almost always pleasant surprise.

Websites had these little awards they gave to each other, think stuff like “Most Informative MLP Site” or “Coolest Rocketshipper Page” which they presented to one another out of sheer goodwill and for fun. They’d have link pages full of wonky banners on their topic of choice. Maybe you’d email the webmaster to tell them you liked their page and you’d make a new friend. Or you’d sign their guestbook.

In most of the interactions I had, politeness and friendliness was the assumed behavior. Even in forum disagreements, I generally saw politeness. It’s very likely that my own experience was insulated and limited, but when I talk with other people my age, they often describe similar experiences.

And the biggest difference to me was that, even though the Internet felt way, WAY smaller back then, the connections you made, the comments or replies you received, felt so much more meaningful and important.

But anyway, why, when and how it changed isn’t really the point. For me, it is no longer a refuge of any sort. It is a prison I cannot escape, not even when I leave my home. I fantasize a LOT about not having a smartphone. I feel that I need it, but I hate it. I hate that anyone can message me at any point. I miss having a stupid flip-phone, that sometimes I could not afford to pay and then no one could reach me, and you know what, it was okay. The world didn’t end.

That is impossible now. Payphones are no longer a thing, so if I have an emergency, I need my phone. People no longer have landlines, so if I want to talk to anyone, I need my cellphone. I depend on my phone for maps, for Ubers, and for my banking apps. I’ve removed so many features from my phone to make it as basic as possible. But it still feels like this ball and chain I must carry.

I’m not sure where I am going with this post. I haven’t been “well” mentally and even physically as a result of all I have written here, and needed to let it out somewhere. Maybe it will help me achieve some clarity.

The world has become a very unfriendly place, online and offline. Offline, making new acquaintances is harder than ever. Online, navigating a sea of toxicity and self-righteousness on one side and of hate, bigotry, and intolerance on the other, takes a lot out of me. Among all this, I must somehow sell my work, and maintain relationships. If I go completely offline, I make no money and feel deeply lonely and isolated. If I stay even somewhat online, the result is an ever present brain fog, an exhaustion and jaded feeling in regards to everyone and everything. Nothing feels good.

Moreover, the more I allow myself to be online, the harder it seems to be for my brain to function normally. I’ve lost a large amount of my ability to concentrate on anything for any long period of time. This always improves if I go mostly offline for a period of weeks to months, it is absolutely caused by having to be online, I’ve confirmed it repeatedly. But if I do that, the algorithms destroy me, and most acquaintances forget me, even some friends do, if only temporarily.

I do not say this with any form of resentment: there are people I love a lot, and yet I can go days or weeks without thinking about them very much if at all, if those same algorithms force them out of view. The online world is far too noisy. So much is happening all of the time. A brain can only keep track of so much information.

I don’t know what to do. I am not asking for anyone to give me a solution: trust me, you do not have one. I’ve been contemplating this quandary and trying a myriad of solutions for over half a decade.

But at least in the time I spent writing this, I was not online. So maybe I just need to tweak my blocks a little more here and there, optimize my time better, so I can be more present in my offline and offscreen activities.

Offscreen. That’s important, too. Reading was once the most important activity in my life. I used to read hundreds of pages in a single week. The problem is, I still do, but now it is all in the form of tweets and news articles. What place does that leave for books?

Unbelievably, I’ve given up (as in, donated) both of my drawing boards: these days, it is all iPad and watching YouTube while I work. It has been for years. Crime, science, history channels: I’ve half-watched hundreds of hours of them while pushing art piece after art piece. I remember almost nothing I have learned. I used to draw and ink traditionally, while listening to podcasts or to music. My eyes did not get tired anywhere near as much. I was more present. I was happier. I actually learned stuff.

I feel old. I miss my flip-phone. I miss my iPod Nano. I miss the Today page on the (very) old DeviantART. In a few days, I will be 39: perhaps this is some sort of midlife crisis.

I know I need to do something. Hopefully, perhaps, I will figure that something out. It is difficult to figure out what a happy place for me should look like, and what I will have to sacrifice to find it. Interaction with friends? My form of livelihood?

Something that I am fully aware of is that at any given time, I could pretty faithfully recreate the conditions I myself carried my everyday life in before. I cannot control how other people carry theirs, however. So if I do this, I will miss on things I like, that I got used to: being able to take commissions, conveniences like Google Maps, Uber and Spotify. Talking to friends. Heck, even keeping/having friends. I do have the Internet to thank for that.

But in exchange, it takes a really heavy toll on me. In exchange for friends, interaction and validation, I have lost the ability to be present, to concentrate. Maybe I’ll figure something out though. I have to keep trying.