Category Archives: ๐Ÿ““ Ramblings ๐Ÿ““

Another Thing… ๐Ÿ˜–

I really enjoyed sharing my scrapbooking tips in the last post, and that, as well as my post from last night, made me realize another bad thing Iโ€™ve been doing for AGES that is justโ€ฆ BAD. You know how I always say that it bothers me when people ask me where I bought something because [INSERT BS EXCUSE]? Wellโ€ฆ

โ€ฆI have always been reluctant to share such things because I want to be unique, because I want to be special. ๐Ÿ˜“ Because Iโ€™m a selfish little twerp. Showing off things without having a willingness to even share where I got them is SO MEAN. What the heck.

To go so far as to put disclaimers about that on my Carrd/blog is so freaking petty, itโ€™s literally like me grabbing a toy and hiding it behind me and going โ€œmine!!!โ€ And โ€”Iโ€™m sorry for that, too, all this time. ๐Ÿ˜ž๐Ÿ’ง

What can I say. I knew why I was doing it, but only now Iโ€™m disgusted enough with myself to change. So please, ask away. If I can, Iโ€™ll tell you where I got stuff. Iโ€™m sorry Iโ€™ve been so mean about that. There was no good reason.

Iโ€™ve removed some of those disclaimers from my spaces (working on the rest) and Iโ€™m going to answer now, if Iโ€™m asked such things. Since Iโ€™m in a contemplative mood, I continue to realize crappy things that Iโ€™ve been doing and I want to change them as I notice them.

Iโ€™m going to be going through my content in general to examine my own tone, so I may edit/private some old blog stuff. Iโ€™ve also deleted a whole bunch of Twitter replies and tweets I made that were mean busybody stuff or just nonsense. Apologies if that is a bit annoying. I’m trying my best to improve as a person. ๐ŸŒˆโœจ

Long Overdue โ€” A Message To All ๐Ÿ’“

Hey everyone. Over the past little while, I’ve been doing some serious self-reflection, and I wanted to share that on this journal.

(If you are missing context/donโ€™t understand some reference to specific events or people, please know that I wonโ€™t go into detail, I simply post it here so I can get as many eyes on this as possible. I am not closing comments to avoid conversation, I posted all of this on Twitter too, and youโ€™re welcome to engage me there if you have something specific to tell me.) ๐Ÿ’•

I don’t want people trying to make me feel better for having been a jerk, because I think that invalidates the feelings of people whom I have hurt. It’s ok, let me own up to my failings. I’m a big girl (sometimes). Please, let me recognize my own poor behavior.

I started off fairly well on my Twitter return, staying away from arguments from the sake of arguments and keeping my nose out of things that were none of my business. This didn’t last too long –even though it harms me emotionally, I fell back into it anyway.

Now it’s one thing when it harms only me, but no one else deserves to be even the mistaken brunt of my ocassional keyboard rage, so easily blasted out into the world, without care for the repercussions.

I didn’t think I had to be reminded of this, but there ARE people on the other side, and these people have feelings and experiences that do not mirror my own.

There are plenty of opinions on the internet, and mine are not special, or witty, or unique, they are just mine. My own noise is not needed. Especially when I cancel out a dialogue before it can even begin.

Going forward, I’m going to try not to post about things that are controversial; if at all possible, I won’t post unhappy things on Twitter or here (maybe on my blog, and then I won’t crosspost them.)

I’ll concentrate on posting art and happy kidcore things on Twitter, and my pets, and above all, I’ll concentrate on being kind, and being quiet if I cannot be kind. This used to be a priority for me, but at some point, I lost track of it.

I’ve told myself a lot “Man, the fandom has become mean/crappy/cliquey/insert word”. Suddenly, I began to feel like I am part of the problem. I am not helping. Perhaps sanitizing my content will make me a little blander, but you guys don’t deserve my negativity or judgmental opinions.

I am going to work towards being a happy and positive energy and if I cannot do that, then I will simply take a break.

Even though Jaq forgave my shitty thread, I could have lost a VERY dear friend. I wanted to make my apology more public after having had a chance to reflect. I realized there probably have been multiple instances of me being a jerk to some degree or other over the past few years, that friends decided to look past because we are friends, even if they were hurt or upset by my words.

Actually there were definitely instances of this. I just fool myself with my own โ€œUwU I like rainbows and teddy bearsโ€ front that I put up with, as if that meant that I canโ€™t actually be horrible to people sometimes. I definitely can.

I also wish I could still apologize to Lucca for not bringing my advice and thoughts to him kindly and in private (or, you know, minding my own damn business) rather than making a journal earlier this year that (while it was well intended) hurt him –but that bridge is burnt.

I’ve prioritized feeling like I’m right, over the feelings of people I care about. Sometimes, it doesn’t matter if I’m right or not, what matters is that someone was hurt. I wish I had not forgotten this. I hope I won’t forget it again.

I also wish that, for all my talk about hating gossip, I had not sometimes gossiped about others using whatever excuse justified it in my head at the time. Just because someone hurt me, no matter how badly, doesn’t mean anyone else wants or needs to hear about it.

If you had to listen to me vent about such –and many of my close friends have– I am, so, so sorry. No matter my grief or trauma, it was a lot to put on you. I’m truly sorry. I wish I had not done it, and I’m grateful that you are still here for me.

I don’t know why it took me so long to take a hard look at my own behavior. I think my opinion of myself has always been a little too high, even in childhood –a paradox when compared to my awful lack of self-esteem (somehow I had both happen simultaneously.) ๐Ÿ™ƒ

Hopefully it’s never too late to try to be better. I don’t think it’ll happen overnight, but I am going to try my best. I’m actually gonna try to do better in regards to my potty mouth as well, I didn’t use to swear all over the place, I’m not sure why I began, but I know it makes me appear much harsher than I used to present myself many years ago.

I just want to be softer, kinder, less of a busybody, less of… whatever I’ve become. Not because I dislike myself (I really don’t) but because I want to be a good energy in the lives of those who choose to include me in it, be it IRL or on FA or Twitter.

Please have patience with me if I fail at times –but it is okay to remind me privately so I can get back on track. Thank you for being there for me.

A Place Where You Belong

At some point in the last two or three years, without my really noticing it, the furry fandom went from being the largest “safe place” I ever belonged to in my life, for the longest period of time, to being a place where I don’t belong at all.

“Without my noticing” isn’t quite accurate, I suppose: I’ve felt “off” for at least two years, likely longer, but still felt like I belonged to some degree. It was still a refuge, it was still where I could be my truest self. I knew my place within it was shifting, but I didn’t notice when the feeling of “belonging” went away completely until yesterday.

I don’t say this with sadness or any sort of despair, I think I’ve definitely felt those things over the past couple of years in regards to my place in these communities, but now that the realization hits me again and with more finality, it’s more of a “I guess this happened, and it’s just how it is, but I’m glad for what I had when I had it”. There is no doubt now though –what I had is gone, and has been a long time, I just tried to pretend it still existed.

Last week, when I made that Twitter follow list and just kinda lurked on the feeds of so many fandom acquaintances, I realized I am 100% not one of them anymore. I could go on and on as to the reasons why, but it would be boring and kinda pointless. It’s just what it is. As more of the stuff I see on Twitter moves to FA, I’ve had to accept it’s not a “Twitter thing”. It’s a fandom thing. It’s changed –I’ve changed. It just doesn’t give me that feeling anymore. I no longer feel “these are my people”; rather, I feel like an impostor among them, perhaps likely to be cast out if I spoke my mind on certain issues.

“Safe places of belonging” have been few in my life, and none can compare to the scope of the furry (and Little) communities. I remember the first such place very well: twice, once when I was 9 or 10 and again when I was 12 or so years old, my parents made it so I could attend the Escuela de Dibujo Garaycochea.

This was an independent art school in Buenos Aires, not very big at all –but the building it was housed in, was. It was an ancient old laboratory building, spacious and full of eerie echoes when you walked. It had two floors dedicated to the school, in an open-plan sort of way. You could see the lower floor from the balcony. Animation classes were held upstairs, while painting, caricaturing, cartooning and other classes were held downstairs. Downstairs is also where the cafeteria was, and a room to watch movies. By the staircase, there was a gigantic (as big as a person) framed photo of Pablo Picasso.

The school taught all ages, from six (or maybe eight) years old to adults, and there was a strong feeling that we were all equal and united in our passion, and we were all taken seriously by one another and our teachers, no matter how young.

Here, I studied cartooning and animation. What I really got out of the school though, was a tremendous sense of belonging. To a child who was always an outcast, a place where there were other kids my age for whom drawing was their reason for being, and where adults took your potential as an artist serious and supported you with the same love and enthusiasm parents would provide, was beyond priceless. It was the first time I felt surrounded by peers who understood me.

Eventually, the school had to move. It moved to a modern, much smaller place. I don’t know why but this ruined it all for me. It was as though the building had a magic to it –after the move, I could not stay. I think I missed the original building so much, that my heartache was a distraction. I did try to attend the classes and just could not get into the swing of things again.

Later, I found a small art atelier led by a single teacher near my house. This would become my next refuge for about a year, and I would feel similarly as I did at the first school. I loved it.

My next “place of belonging” was a single person: my first best friend, Gisela. She and I were friends until I left Argentina. Still –one person does not a “place of belonging” truly make. Rather, we were together in our isolation, in feeling like we belonged nowhere. We both longed for a place where we wouldn’t feel as we did.

It was during the first year of our friendship that we went to see Hercules in theaters together. At the time, I’d firmly locked into the idea of someday living in the USA as my ultimate place where I could belong, be myself, be understood, have friends (spoiler: all of these things did come true here –sometimes the grass is greener on the other side).

Young Hercules’ both hopeful and heartrending “Go The Distance” gripped my heart completely. It became my cringy inward anthem in my own quest to find where I belonged.

Once I came to the USA, I never again felt as completely out of place as I did in Argentina. But it’s a far cry between that, and the feeling of being surrounded by a support network of understanding peers and friends.

I would hop from circle of friends to circle of friends, from anime communities to other art schools and clubs –most of these things would be short-lived, and even the longest-lived one, an anime club I still belong to in some fashion, gave a “finite” feeling of belonging.

Nothing could ever compare to the effect the furry fandom had in my life in this regard, and I doubt if anything will ever come close.

I joined FA (and soon after, officially became a furry) because furry friends from deviantART, particularly Tavi and Ozzie, were showing me tremendous kindness at one of the lowest points in my life. Through them, I discovered a friendly and welcoming community, one that really wanted me among them. I made many friends very quickly and still count some of them as my closest friends almost ten years later.

Thing is, even some of those friends, like me, feel out of place in the fandom nowadays. And to be honest… a big factor in me not attending Megaplex this year, is that feeling. The feeling of no longer fitting in. Whether I ever attend another con will depend on how I manage (or not) to sort out that feeling.

Mind you, it’s not like I’m making some “I’m no longer a furry!! I hate the fandom, I’m weaving!1” ๐Ÿ˜ฉ๐Ÿ˜ฉ๐Ÿ˜ฉ announcement. Because those are so stupid and attention-whory (and that’s coming from me! lol.) That is not what this is. I love the fandom. It’s just that at some point, my feeling of complete, utter isolation, from before I was a furry, returned. I’m not sure when that happened, I just know I won’t be able to fill that void with furry anymore.

But that’s okay. I think it’s highly unlikely that another “place of belonging” won’t find its way to me eventually. Something will come. Until then, I’ll continue to embrace my solitude. It got me through a lot in the past, after all.

Also, for what it’s worth, this is nothing that one or a few friendly/concerned messages can “fix” —please don’t try. This is something much bigger, that a few individual people cannot fix for me and should not attempt to fix. Eventually, I’ll run into a place or community that feels like home again –this one, like most things in life, ran its course, for me (and for many others, from what I see).

But it was a good run. ๐Ÿ™‚ I’m so happy for all the years that it gave me that feeling of belonging. I’m looking forward to what comes next.

You Owe Communication ๐Ÿ”ฅ

Over the last week away from home, I’ve had Twitter on my phone, and because I was so bored, I added everyone to a list that I’d peruse every once in a while, about 100 people.

I saw a lot of BS that it’s not worth my going on a pissy tirade about, but there is one ๐Ÿ”ฅ hot take ๐Ÿ”ฅ of my own that I want to share.

Last 48 hours I’ve seen several tweets about how awful a commissioner is if they dare contact you within a week to a month (!!) from the date of commission purchase. You know what the thing is though? I almost never, EVER see artists say something like “this is your delivery date/deadline and past that date you will get a refund”. The fact that most artists refuse to do this (something that never would fly in a professional, commercial setting) is part of the reason I rarely commission anyone.

Clients are seemingly expected to fork over money and wait for weeks/months without having any idea of what the artists’ queue is like, and if they do, what is the max deadline for their art. God forbid that, after a week or two or a month of radio silence, they ask for progress! ๐Ÿ™„ A simple question, that probably they are already anxious about asking, and shouldn’t have to be.

You know what? I almost never get asked. You know why? Because I provide deadlines. You HAVE to be able to provide a deadline. There seriously isn’t an excuse. Give an unreasonable deadline, if you have to. Five months. A year. Two years. Whatever. Say a date by which you will provide a refund no matter what. In a community where years-long waits are not at all unheard of, if you gave a commissioner zero inkling of what sort of wait might be in store, there is NOT a wrong time for them to reach out to you, because they just don’t know. That’s 100% on you.

Of course, context and tone matter. An “Is my art done yet??” message 48 hours after payment is obviously uncool. An “I was just wondering if you had an update on my commission” two weeks after payment if you provided absolutely no rough estimate of delivery, is polite and more than reasonable, and it is shitty of you not to have provided an estimated deadline in the first place.

A client deserves an estimated deadline from the get-go. No excuses. If you give one, you won’t have the stress of these messages because your client knows what to expect. Don’t leave them in the dark. They don’t deserve that. You’re doing what you love because of them.

I’m not saying it’s bad to give a long deadline if you must… I certainly do, and most of you know three months is my average. If your client is patient and considerate, they will understand that unexpected health issues might cause you to take up to, say, a year, if that is the deadline you must give (and I’m saying that as a kind of ridiculous deadline. If you can’t promise the art within a year, you shouldn’t be taking commissions, because at that point, that’s more like a donation, or an interest-free loan.)

Maybe it’s because I come from a primarily commercial art background, where a missed deadline is a big BIG deal. It’s also stressful –I do furry art because if I go a little bit past my deadlines my commissioners (often friends) are very understanding. To me, bristling at reasonable requests for updates is unbelievable.

You owe communication. You don’t owe speed beyond what you transparently promised on the onset –if you promised nothing, that’s a problem. Art is a business. Is money or goods changing hands in exchange for your art? It’s a business. Someone worked really hard for the money they gave you to receive a product in a realistic timeframe. It pisses me off to see tweets take traction that will make commissioners feel the process is even more unfriendly to them, when sometimes I don’t know how they keep throwing money at artists after getting continually burned by non-delivery or incredibly late deliveries.

Anyway, shitty takes aside, Twitter sucks ass as always, I don’t know how people manage to use it posting so many unhappy and hateful things every single hour lol, I already deleted the app and the follow list I made.

(Still doing my crossposting thing, nothing is changing from how it was before I left for the trip… I’m just stunned at how toxic it became again, once I made a list to follow people. Just. Holy shit. It’s seeping into FA, too. There is no escape, lol.)

A Clarification

Hey everyone –there is something I want to clarify as an addendum to this post. On all my social media/blogs/etc, as you know, I am very much against callouts particularly when it pertains to people warning me privately about others, or even telling me if someone is talking badly about me, or about my friends.

I don’t want this to be taken to mean that I am ok interacting with anyone regardless of their viewpoints. I do make a point not to associate with people whose morals I find reprehensible.

For me, personally, a while ago I made a pretty hard and fast rule to only make my own decisions based on my own experiences. I didn’t use to do it this way, but after two occasions (on Twitter) where someone destroyed someone else’s reputation only to backtrack when it was far too late, even admitting to faked screenshots, I decided that I would never ever get involved in rumor/gossip mills regardless of their apparent veracity.

I absolutely encourage everyone to curate their own spaces, including their commission and art-viewing experiences, for the best of their mental health. I’ve long realized that trying to “vet” everyone I interact with is something I cannot mentally handle. So while I do not personally take a “anyone can commission/interact with me” stance (goodness knows I’m heavy with the block button these days, and I’m sure FA staff is pretty annoyed with how often I report stuff that breaks the rules) my use of blocking and my decisions of who I interact with are my own, taken on my own time, for my own mental wellbeing.

The reason behind this journal is that I don’t want my many rants against callouts to be taken to mean “I’m ok with everything and anyone regardless of what they think or do.” I am not. But I also know what I can and cannot handle.

I’ll curate my spaces accordingly, and I encourage you to curate your own. I hope everyone can respect the choices I take for my own mental health too. As I’ve said repeatedly, the Milo thing did break me. I’ll do what I have to do for myself because I can’t take care of the whole world and the fandom. Only I can look after myself. I hope this makes sense.

I really want no confusion about this particular point so this is a journal I expect to leave up despite purging so many of them. Thanks for reading.

For The Time Being…

I feel that I need to do a lot of soul searching on a lot of stuff.

I’ve deleted a lot of journals on FurAffinity (most, actually) and made all of my personal blog ramblings/vents private. I also privated my Twitter for now. I won’t be approving new followers for a while. I just want to take a break from any and all community interaction, to have silence around me, and think long and hard.

I do not want to make any major decisions without a cool head. I’m going to work hard on my queue and carefully think about what I want to do when my queue is done.

But I will say this much…

I’m unlikely to stop drawing my usual SFW art of kiddos and I am not going to leave FA. I just wanted to say that. WITH THAT SAID, drawing diapered critters always was on the “this will eventually stop” category for me. I’m not an abdl/babyfur, I’m not into diapers at all. So eventually I will stop. I’ll still draw your characters I just don’t know when I’ll stop drawing diapers, but no matter what, I’ll do everything in my queue as agreed upon, and I’m not likely to stop for the time being (but eventually, someday, I want to. It’s never been my thing, but it’s not unpleasant and it pays my bills.)

Love you guys.

PSA: On Call-Outs

Due to recent community happenings, I want to add this disclaimer to the post below. Please read it as well.

If you ever see a call-out on me, my name on some sort of “tea” page, or by proxy with another person or entity, whether on Twitter, Tumblr, FA, Instagram or elsewhere: don’t tell me. I know they exist. Most of the time, I’ve been attacked when I refused to stop interacting with someone because someone else had a problem with them.

As a rule, I refuse to distance myself from people just because someone warns me that I am following someone or interacting with someone that they consider “bad” or have a dislike for. I’ve seen rumours ruin innocent people’s reputations more than once. So, these days, I judge by myself whether I want to interact with someone. I don’t let others dictate that.

So, if you ever see this sort of thing in relation to my name, I know maybe you want to be helpful by telling me about it so I can address it, but it’s not helpful, so please, don’t. Notice how I am not on most of those platforms, or if I am, DMs/notes are disabled? It’s because I want no involvement with anything going on in them. I have no interest in defending my reputation on them, I could not care less. I know what kind of person I am. I care about the opinion my friends and my family have of me. I don’t care about what strangers on the Internet say or think.

I have been warned of the odd call-out in the past, and while this is certainly not the norm, sometimes the delight of the person being the one to to make my day by letting me know that I’m somehow involved in drama is only too palpable. ๐Ÿ™„

Online, I try to assume the best of everyone, including people who message me about these things, but I’ve been burned before, so it’s rough, and you’re generally going to get a terse response for me even if you meant well. And I AM sorry for that. But no good ever came to my life by someone warning me of something someone said about me, be they friend or stranger. I know a lot of the time the intention is kind: I appreciate that intention. But please, spare us both. ๐Ÿ™

You have to think of it this way: when it comes to the toxicity of these communities, what I don’t know can’t hurt me –literally! It’s why I left so much social media. I am happy now. I’m not stressed. If you tell me about stuff like that you are destroying the peace I made for myself. At the end of the day I’m still going to ignore any drama people involve me in. But I’d rather just not know, so please, don’t tell me.

For what it’s worth, I would have the same reaction if you “warn” me about one of my friends. My hate for rumors, and their malicious or benevolent spread, is too vicious to be called a pet peeve. I see red. So please do not engage in anything resembling rumor-spreading with me. Not about me. Not about friends. Not about strangers. Not online, and not in person (I ended a friendship partly over how much they talked badly about others.)

Likewise, if you want to warn me about someone having done something illegal, if you have concrete enough proof to prove it without a shadow of a doubt, then PLEASE by all means go to the authorities. Iโ€™ve seen lives ruined by actual literal lies. Iโ€™ve seen reputations destroyed even when the rumor-spreader admitted to faking receipts and screenshots (so easily done!) I’ve seen this happen at least twice on Twitter. By the time the liar admitted to what they did, the person didn’t get their reputation back. So forgive me for being cautious. But I won’t allow anyone to make me part of this. I’m not the one you need to talk to. Go file a report, get the person jailed. Do not tell me. DO NOT TELL ME. Just do your callout publicly on your own space, but leave me and others out of it.

I’m sorry for how bitchy I am in this post, especially if you have tried to help me because you were upset to see someone speak ill of me in an unwarranted manner… I am truly sorry to make someone else the brunt of that anger. I am grateful for people who care about me enough to defend my good name.

But when it comes to call-outs on me, I simply do not have the time or emotional energy for something so unimportant, so there is no need to bring it to my attention. And if you’re gonna try to destroy one of my friends, take your evidence to the police. In due time I’ll find out and cut them out of my life when I deem it necessary. Thank you.