Tag Archives: Ramblings

Another Thing… ๐Ÿ˜–

I really enjoyed sharing my scrapbooking tips in the last post, and that, as well as my post from last night, made me realize another bad thing Iโ€™ve been doing for AGES that is justโ€ฆ BAD. You know how I always say that it bothers me when people ask me where I bought something because [INSERT BS EXCUSE]? Wellโ€ฆ

โ€ฆI have always been reluctant to share such things because I want to be unique, because I want to be special. ๐Ÿ˜“ Because Iโ€™m a selfish little twerp. Showing off things without having a willingness to even share where I got them is SO MEAN. What the heck.

To go so far as to put disclaimers about that on my Carrd/blog is so freaking petty, itโ€™s literally like me grabbing a toy and hiding it behind me and going โ€œmine!!!โ€ And โ€”Iโ€™m sorry for that, too, all this time. ๐Ÿ˜ž๐Ÿ’ง

What can I say. I knew why I was doing it, but only now Iโ€™m disgusted enough with myself to change. So please, ask away. If I can, Iโ€™ll tell you where I got stuff. Iโ€™m sorry Iโ€™ve been so mean about that. There was no good reason.

Iโ€™ve removed some of those disclaimers from my spaces (working on the rest) and Iโ€™m going to answer now, if Iโ€™m asked such things. Since Iโ€™m in a contemplative mood, I continue to realize crappy things that Iโ€™ve been doing and I want to change them as I notice them.

Iโ€™m going to be going through my content in general to examine my own tone, so I may edit/private some old blog stuff. Iโ€™ve also deleted a whole bunch of Twitter replies and tweets I made that were mean busybody stuff or just nonsense. Apologies if that is a bit annoying. I’m trying my best to improve as a person. ๐ŸŒˆโœจ

Long Overdue โ€” A Message To All ๐Ÿ’“

Hey everyone. Over the past little while, I’ve been doing some serious self-reflection, and I wanted to share that on this journal.

(If you are missing context/donโ€™t understand some reference to specific events or people, please know that I wonโ€™t go into detail, I simply post it here so I can get as many eyes on this as possible. I am not closing comments to avoid conversation, I posted all of this on Twitter too, and youโ€™re welcome to engage me there if you have something specific to tell me.) ๐Ÿ’•

I don’t want people trying to make me feel better for having been a jerk, because I think that invalidates the feelings of people whom I have hurt. It’s ok, let me own up to my failings. I’m a big girl (sometimes). Please, let me recognize my own poor behavior.

I started off fairly well on my Twitter return, staying away from arguments from the sake of arguments and keeping my nose out of things that were none of my business. This didn’t last too long –even though it harms me emotionally, I fell back into it anyway.

Now it’s one thing when it harms only me, but no one else deserves to be even the mistaken brunt of my ocassional keyboard rage, so easily blasted out into the world, without care for the repercussions.

I didn’t think I had to be reminded of this, but there ARE people on the other side, and these people have feelings and experiences that do not mirror my own.

There are plenty of opinions on the internet, and mine are not special, or witty, or unique, they are just mine. My own noise is not needed. Especially when I cancel out a dialogue before it can even begin.

Going forward, I’m going to try not to post about things that are controversial; if at all possible, I won’t post unhappy things on Twitter or here (maybe on my blog, and then I won’t crosspost them.)

I’ll concentrate on posting art and happy kidcore things on Twitter, and my pets, and above all, I’ll concentrate on being kind, and being quiet if I cannot be kind. This used to be a priority for me, but at some point, I lost track of it.

I’ve told myself a lot “Man, the fandom has become mean/crappy/cliquey/insert word”. Suddenly, I began to feel like I am part of the problem. I am not helping. Perhaps sanitizing my content will make me a little blander, but you guys don’t deserve my negativity or judgmental opinions.

I am going to work towards being a happy and positive energy and if I cannot do that, then I will simply take a break.

Even though Jaq forgave my shitty thread, I could have lost a VERY dear friend. I wanted to make my apology more public after having had a chance to reflect. I realized there probably have been multiple instances of me being a jerk to some degree or other over the past few years, that friends decided to look past because we are friends, even if they were hurt or upset by my words.

Actually there were definitely instances of this. I just fool myself with my own โ€œUwU I like rainbows and teddy bearsโ€ front that I put up with, as if that meant that I canโ€™t actually be horrible to people sometimes. I definitely can.

I also wish I could still apologize to Lucca for not bringing my advice and thoughts to him kindly and in private (or, you know, minding my own damn business) rather than making a journal earlier this year that (while it was well intended) hurt him –but that bridge is burnt.

I’ve prioritized feeling like I’m right, over the feelings of people I care about. Sometimes, it doesn’t matter if I’m right or not, what matters is that someone was hurt. I wish I had not forgotten this. I hope I won’t forget it again.

I also wish that, for all my talk about hating gossip, I had not sometimes gossiped about others using whatever excuse justified it in my head at the time. Just because someone hurt me, no matter how badly, doesn’t mean anyone else wants or needs to hear about it.

If you had to listen to me vent about such –and many of my close friends have– I am, so, so sorry. No matter my grief or trauma, it was a lot to put on you. I’m truly sorry. I wish I had not done it, and I’m grateful that you are still here for me.

I don’t know why it took me so long to take a hard look at my own behavior. I think my opinion of myself has always been a little too high, even in childhood –a paradox when compared to my awful lack of self-esteem (somehow I had both happen simultaneously.) ๐Ÿ™ƒ

Hopefully it’s never too late to try to be better. I don’t think it’ll happen overnight, but I am going to try my best. I’m actually gonna try to do better in regards to my potty mouth as well, I didn’t use to swear all over the place, I’m not sure why I began, but I know it makes me appear much harsher than I used to present myself many years ago.

I just want to be softer, kinder, less of a busybody, less of… whatever I’ve become. Not because I dislike myself (I really don’t) but because I want to be a good energy in the lives of those who choose to include me in it, be it IRL or on FA or Twitter.

Please have patience with me if I fail at times –but it is okay to remind me privately so I can get back on track. Thank you for being there for me.

You Owe Communication ๐Ÿ”ฅ

Over the last week away from home, I’ve had Twitter on my phone, and because I was so bored, I added everyone to a list that I’d peruse every once in a while, about 100 people.

I saw a lot of BS that it’s not worth my going on a pissy tirade about, but there is one ๐Ÿ”ฅ hot take ๐Ÿ”ฅ of my own that I want to share.

Last 48 hours I’ve seen several tweets about how awful a commissioner is if they dare contact you within a week to a month (!!) from the date of commission purchase. You know what the thing is though? I almost never, EVER see artists say something like “this is your delivery date/deadline and past that date you will get a refund”. The fact that most artists refuse to do this (something that never would fly in a professional, commercial setting) is part of the reason I rarely commission anyone.

Clients are seemingly expected to fork over money and wait for weeks/months without having any idea of what the artists’ queue is like, and if they do, what is the max deadline for their art. God forbid that, after a week or two or a month of radio silence, they ask for progress! ๐Ÿ™„ A simple question, that probably they are already anxious about asking, and shouldn’t have to be.

You know what? I almost never get asked. You know why? Because I provide deadlines. You HAVE to be able to provide a deadline. There seriously isn’t an excuse. Give an unreasonable deadline, if you have to. Five months. A year. Two years. Whatever. Say a date by which you will provide a refund no matter what. In a community where years-long waits are not at all unheard of, if you gave a commissioner zero inkling of what sort of wait might be in store, there is NOT a wrong time for them to reach out to you, because they just don’t know. That’s 100% on you.

Of course, context and tone matter. An “Is my art done yet??” message 48 hours after payment is obviously uncool. An “I was just wondering if you had an update on my commission” two weeks after payment if you provided absolutely no rough estimate of delivery, is polite and more than reasonable, and it is shitty of you not to have provided an estimated deadline in the first place.

A client deserves an estimated deadline from the get-go. No excuses. If you give one, you won’t have the stress of these messages because your client knows what to expect. Don’t leave them in the dark. They don’t deserve that. You’re doing what you love because of them.

I’m not saying it’s bad to give a long deadline if you must… I certainly do, and most of you know three months is my average. If your client is patient and considerate, they will understand that unexpected health issues might cause you to take up to, say, a year, if that is the deadline you must give (and I’m saying that as a kind of ridiculous deadline. If you can’t promise the art within a year, you shouldn’t be taking commissions, because at that point, that’s more like a donation, or an interest-free loan.)

Maybe it’s because I come from a primarily commercial art background, where a missed deadline is a big BIG deal. It’s also stressful –I do furry art because if I go a little bit past my deadlines my commissioners (often friends) are very understanding. To me, bristling at reasonable requests for updates is unbelievable.

You owe communication. You don’t owe speed beyond what you transparently promised on the onset –if you promised nothing, that’s a problem. Art is a business. Is money or goods changing hands in exchange for your art? It’s a business. Someone worked really hard for the money they gave you to receive a product in a realistic timeframe. It pisses me off to see tweets take traction that will make commissioners feel the process is even more unfriendly to them, when sometimes I don’t know how they keep throwing money at artists after getting continually burned by non-delivery or incredibly late deliveries.

Anyway, shitty takes aside, Twitter sucks ass as always, I don’t know how people manage to use it posting so many unhappy and hateful things every single hour lol, I already deleted the app and the follow list I made.

(Still doing my crossposting thing, nothing is changing from how it was before I left for the trip… I’m just stunned at how toxic it became again, once I made a list to follow people. Just. Holy shit. It’s seeping into FA, too. There is no escape, lol.)

A Clarification

Hey everyone –there is something I want to clarify as an addendum to this post. On all my social media/blogs/etc, as you know, I am very much against callouts particularly when it pertains to people warning me privately about others, or even telling me if someone is talking badly about me, or about my friends.

I don’t want this to be taken to mean that I am ok interacting with anyone regardless of their viewpoints. I do make a point not to associate with people whose morals I find reprehensible.

For me, personally, a while ago I made a pretty hard and fast rule to only make my own decisions based on my own experiences. I didn’t use to do it this way, but after two occasions (on Twitter) where someone destroyed someone else’s reputation only to backtrack when it was far too late, even admitting to faked screenshots, I decided that I would never ever get involved in rumor/gossip mills regardless of their apparent veracity.

I absolutely encourage everyone to curate their own spaces, including their commission and art-viewing experiences, for the best of their mental health. I’ve long realized that trying to “vet” everyone I interact with is something I cannot mentally handle. So while I do not personally take a “anyone can commission/interact with me” stance (goodness knows I’m heavy with the block button these days, and I’m sure FA staff is pretty annoyed with how often I report stuff that breaks the rules) my use of blocking and my decisions of who I interact with are my own, taken on my own time, for my own mental wellbeing.

The reason behind this journal is that I don’t want my many rants against callouts to be taken to mean “I’m ok with everything and anyone regardless of what they think or do.” I am not. But I also know what I can and cannot handle.

I’ll curate my spaces accordingly, and I encourage you to curate your own. I hope everyone can respect the choices I take for my own mental health too. As I’ve said repeatedly, the Milo thing did break me. I’ll do what I have to do for myself because I can’t take care of the whole world and the fandom. Only I can look after myself. I hope this makes sense.

I really want no confusion about this particular point so this is a journal I expect to leave up despite purging so many of them. Thanks for reading.

For The Time Being…

I feel that I need to do a lot of soul searching on a lot of stuff.

I’ve deleted a lot of journals on FurAffinity (most, actually) and made all of my personal blog ramblings/vents private. I also privated my Twitter for now. I won’t be approving new followers for a while. I just want to take a break from any and all community interaction, to have silence around me, and think long and hard.

I do not want to make any major decisions without a cool head. I’m going to work hard on my queue and carefully think about what I want to do when my queue is done.

But I will say this much…

I’m unlikely to stop drawing my usual SFW art of kiddos and I am not going to leave FA. I just wanted to say that. WITH THAT SAID, drawing diapered critters always was on the “this will eventually stop” category for me. I’m not an abdl/babyfur, I’m not into diapers at all. So eventually I will stop. I’ll still draw your characters I just don’t know when I’ll stop drawing diapers, but no matter what, I’ll do everything in my queue as agreed upon, and I’m not likely to stop for the time being (but eventually, someday, I want to. It’s never been my thing, but it’s not unpleasant and it pays my bills.)

Love you guys.

Health Update And Other Things

Hey everyone. I know that lately Iโ€™ve been pretty quiet here other than art posts. Iโ€™ve really been suffering of a lack of motivation and inability to concentrate on basically anything.

I donโ€™t often mention my ADHD, because it seems everyone and their mother has either self-diagnosed with it or been diagnosed with it. Even though I was diagnosed many years ago, before it was so seemingly commonplace, I tend to hide this fact as much as possible. Iโ€™m not personally into shouting my disorders or disabilities from the rooftops, or listing them on my profiles, I get no comfort or feeling of solidarity with other people from doing so (if you do, though, more power to you, I’m not judging that.) I personally consider it a condition that makes my life a lot harder, only unlike, say, my epilepsy, Iโ€™m unable to take medication for it (meds that help with ADHD/ADD are known to cause seizures.)

To get to the point: sometimes, like now, it seems to get even harder to manage. Like my (mild) manic episodes, this comes in waves, every few months or couple of years. It seemed that in childhood I used to at least be able to hyper focus on what interested me, but lately, I cannot even do that, and my life feels often empty as a result. It’s always been obvious to me that it really got a lot worse after the internet came into my life, even though I block so much of it out, and keep tweaking those blocks.

I think Iโ€™ve spent a good amount of this year deeply sunk into one of those periods where concentrating is almost painfully exhausting, as well as switching gears. Showering, brushing my teeth, getting dressed, all of these things become especially difficult for me to do during these periods (though of course I still do them every single day.)

Lately itโ€™s been especially bad. Hence why no blog/journal posts. Writing this is taking me a lot of mental effort. Maybe Iโ€™m just under too much stress. Drawing and writing isn’t bringing me anywhere near as much enjoyment either, which undoubtedly is behind my delays —and to those of you who are waiting so patiently, I appreciate it more than you could ever know. I don’t stop, I do still work daily, but it is more difficult, and slower as a result.

Truly, I think there’s also a relation with the fact that all of my art is done digitally now. I used to be able to turn my brain off to other things more easily when I worked traditionally.

To unwind, I’ve been playing a little WoW here and there, after being away for a couple of years, though I can’t seem to concentrate even on that for longer than an hour. However, it’s a respite of sorts. I’ve race-changed back to a dwarf. I really missed playing Sidra.

Anyway. A lot has been going on so let’s move on with the news.

The Current State Of Things, Health-Wise

The most important thing right now: Christopher is sick, and it may be COVID. He has a fever, cough, headache, body aches. He is getting tested as we speak.

Of course for a couple of weeks this changes everything at home. He is spending all the time in the guest room, away from me and the cats. So Iโ€™m all alone. We donโ€™t get to cuddle or watch TV or eat, or game together. Silly things to be bummed out about, but you have to realize, this is all we have. And now we donโ€™t.

Still, as long as he recovers easily, we can handle it. Iโ€™m taking all the precautions I can and looking after him as best as I can. Making sure to take his temperature, cook him nutritious foods, keep him hydrated. Disinfecting everything, wearing masks. And waiting.

Another thing is that I saw the neurologist again. The current state of things is:

๐ŸŒˆ I donโ€™t have anything seriously wrong with my brain (MRI, with and without contrast, came out okay. You may remember the cyst, but the cyst is not a problem.)

๐ŸŒˆ Per the latest MRI, I donโ€™t have anything wrong with my spine that can be causing my headaches (a couple of bulging vertebrae that isnโ€™t pressing on anything.)

๐ŸŒˆ Most of my blood tests came out okay, but my vitamin D is like, really low, seriously low, like “I need prescription strength supplements” low. I donโ€™t know why. But Iโ€™ve been given vitamins to take. I didnโ€™t know vitamins were sold by prescription but it seems that is the case when you need a very strong dose.

๐ŸŒˆ I am also taking magnesium oxide for the headaches and the doctor may put me on propranolol.

Pet Health News

Our oldest cat, Kotoko, has been limping considerably as of late, so she had to get an x-ray. Between the appointment, medicines and the x-rays we were put nearly $500 in the hole.

It’s been determined that she has bad bones and lots of arthritis, including in her legs and spine. Kotoko is a very unique cat, and there is going to be a marked difference in life with and without her. So seeing the evidence of her years, and with that any reminder that she will one day be gone, is difficult for us. She is now taking a joint supplement and Gabapentin for the pain, and we hope she can have a few more years of comfort.

Also, Tomoyo’s cough came back after months, so she, too, is on medication. Steroids.

In better pet-related news, I AM FINALLY FREE OF RICCARDOELLA! These are the mites that were killing my snails. So that’s been good news. Also, of my first roman snail clutch, exactly ONE baby snail hatched. Out of maybe 40 eggs. I am so baffled, and wondering if they will hatch any day or if all the others are non-viable.

Here he is, with finger for scale:

Other than that, the baby milk snails are growing well. I’m relieved to not be stressed out about the snails because so many other things are stressing me out right now.

Commission Status

Over the next two weeks I will be finishing overdue commissions for Crazy_Nero (two) Wishskunk and Sonar. Maybe more, but this is what I know for sure I can finish over the next two weeks. I really appreciate your patience with me so, so much.

CW: Talk Of Politics & Mention of Upsetting Topics

If you cannot handle it, if it will stress you out, if you don’t want to know my opinions, if you cannot follow my request not to engage me in discussion of the topic if you support the current administration, STOP HERE. โœ‹

I count down the days to the election, full of trepidation. There isn’t a result that doesn’t fill me with dread:

๐Ÿ’ฉ Option 1: Trump wins decisively, and I have to face the fact that the country of my dreams, in which I just filed for citizenship, is okay being represented to the world by this man and all he stands for. It’s so hard for me to type that without my eyes filling with tears.

(I will add that if you are a Trump supporter please don’t comment, don’t tell me… please respect this wish. I don’t hate you, I just don’t want to know which of my friends or watchers support him. I could never look at you the same way if I know. So please, I beg you to respect this request, and just don’t tell me.)

๐Ÿ”ฅ Option 2: Biden wins, but not decisively, and chaos breaks out, Trump stages a coup/refuses to give up the White House, violence happens, etc. Won’t be pretty.

๐Ÿคทโ€โ™€๏ธ Option 3: Biden wins decisively, takes office more or less peacefully, and we all try to just… move forward… but I can never forget things I’ve seen or heard. I can never forget the Trump supporters who, with a straight face, say stuff like Hillary drank the blood of babies (literally.) Or the ones that said slavery should return, gay people should be executed, reporters should be silenced/executed. I’ve seen a lot… a LOT of Trump supporters be okay saying or cheering at these statements. And you know what? This isn’t a small or insignificant segment of the country. I really think it’s almost half. That breaks my heart. In reality, this country has always been this way, I suppose… But now I see it more clearly.

But I love this country. I love it so much, you have no idea. This is my home. It is a part of my soul. I still think it’s the best country in the world but right now, it is so hurt, and divided, and its values have been spat on, and crapped on, all while what seems like half of its inhabitants cheer on, waving little American flags and wearing red hats, all as the rest of the world looks at us in complete BAFFLEMENT and I just have so much anger.

This is my country you are defiling. How is it that I, not having been born here, feel more anguish over this defilement, than some of you who are citizens yet would contribute to this horror? This is a political party that not many years ago, would have decried this behavior. Would have called it immoral, un-Christian, un-American. IT STILL IS!

So basically if Biden wins I’ll breathe a little easier because we have a chance to begin healing, and of not being embarrassed daily on a public world stage. But it doesn’t change what happened these last four years, and Trump didn’t do that to us, he just gave an opening, we did the rest by ourselves. And we have to go forward knowing that. We can never undo those years, or having seen each other for what we really are.

The rest of the year is so full of uncertainty, too. I am not looking forward to the holidays, because I anticipate a back and forth about the family getting together, which I think shouldn’t happen. I’m going to have to choose to make a difficult decision… Possibly it will mean I spend Christmas Day with just my mom. I don’t know. Thanksgiving I think will be even harder to get out of. But I feel it’s my responsibility. I just don’t know.

So anyway that’s the gist of things right now. I’ll keep everyone posted regarding Christopher’s results and convalescence, and I thank you for your good wishes in advance.

I will leave you with one request:

Regardless of whether you are a Republican or Democrat, or Libertarian, liberal or conservative, or whatever you are, because I don’t think this election is about any of those things. I’m not against any political party. I’m not against your religion. I’m not dismissing your fears of your world changing, of being jobless, of feeling no one listens to you. But please don’t choose hate this time. Please don’t be fooled. He doesn’t care about you. Please go out and vote for someone who can get us out of this dangerous place, even if he isn’t great or that charismatic. This is no longer about party lines, it’s about decency, responsibility, loving your neighbor, it’s about being a basic good human being.

PLEASE VOTE.

PSA: On Call-Outs

Due to recent community happenings, I want to add this disclaimer to the post below. Please read it as well.

If you ever see a call-out on me, my name on some sort of “tea” page, or by proxy with another person or entity, whether on Twitter, Tumblr, FA, Instagram or elsewhere: don’t tell me. I know they exist. Most of the time, I’ve been attacked when I refused to stop interacting with someone because someone else had a problem with them.

As a rule, I refuse to distance myself from people just because someone warns me that I am following someone or interacting with someone that they consider “bad” or have a dislike for. I’ve seen rumours ruin innocent people’s reputations more than once. So, these days, I judge by myself whether I want to interact with someone. I don’t let others dictate that.

So, if you ever see this sort of thing in relation to my name, I know maybe you want to be helpful by telling me about it so I can address it, but it’s not helpful, so please, don’t. Notice how I am not on most of those platforms, or if I am, DMs/notes are disabled? It’s because I want no involvement with anything going on in them. I have no interest in defending my reputation on them, I could not care less. I know what kind of person I am. I care about the opinion my friends and my family have of me. I don’t care about what strangers on the Internet say or think.

I have been warned of the odd call-out in the past, and while this is certainly not the norm, sometimes the delight of the person being the one to to make my day by letting me know that I’m somehow involved in drama is only too palpable. ๐Ÿ™„

Online, I try to assume the best of everyone, including people who message me about these things, but I’ve been burned before, so it’s rough, and you’re generally going to get a terse response for me even if you meant well. And I AM sorry for that. But no good ever came to my life by someone warning me of something someone said about me, be they friend or stranger. I know a lot of the time the intention is kind: I appreciate that intention. But please, spare us both. ๐Ÿ™

You have to think of it this way: when it comes to the toxicity of these communities, what I don’t know can’t hurt me –literally! It’s why I left so much social media. I am happy now. I’m not stressed. If you tell me about stuff like that you are destroying the peace I made for myself. At the end of the day I’m still going to ignore any drama people involve me in. But I’d rather just not know, so please, don’t tell me.

For what it’s worth, I would have the same reaction if you “warn” me about one of my friends. My hate for rumors, and their malicious or benevolent spread, is too vicious to be called a pet peeve. I see red. So please do not engage in anything resembling rumor-spreading with me. Not about me. Not about friends. Not about strangers. Not online, and not in person (I ended a friendship partly over how much they talked badly about others.)

Likewise, if you want to warn me about someone having done something illegal, if you have concrete enough proof to prove it without a shadow of a doubt, then PLEASE by all means go to the authorities. Iโ€™ve seen lives ruined by actual literal lies. Iโ€™ve seen reputations destroyed even when the rumor-spreader admitted to faking receipts and screenshots (so easily done!) I’ve seen this happen at least twice on Twitter. By the time the liar admitted to what they did, the person didn’t get their reputation back. So forgive me for being cautious. But I won’t allow anyone to make me part of this. I’m not the one you need to talk to. Go file a report, get the person jailed. Do not tell me. DO NOT TELL ME. Just do your callout publicly on your own space, but leave me and others out of it.

I’m sorry for how bitchy I am in this post, especially if you have tried to help me because you were upset to see someone speak ill of me in an unwarranted manner… I am truly sorry to make someone else the brunt of that anger. I am grateful for people who care about me enough to defend my good name.

But when it comes to call-outs on me, I simply do not have the time or emotional energy for something so unimportant, so there is no need to bring it to my attention. And if you’re gonna try to destroy one of my friends, take your evidence to the police. In due time I’ll find out and cut them out of my life when I deem it necessary. Thank you.