Tag Archives: Vent

For The Time Being…

I feel that I need to do a lot of soul searching on a lot of stuff.

I’ve deleted a lot of journals on FurAffinity (most, actually) and made all of my personal blog ramblings/vents private. I also privated my Twitter for now. I won’t be approving new followers for a while. I just want to take a break from any and all community interaction, to have silence around me, and think long and hard.

I do not want to make any major decisions without a cool head. I’m going to work hard on my queue and carefully think about what I want to do when my queue is done.

But I will say this much…

I’m unlikely to stop drawing my usual SFW art of kiddos and I am not going to leave FA. I just wanted to say that. WITH THAT SAID, drawing diapered critters always was on the “this will eventually stop” category for me. I’m not an abdl/babyfur, I’m not into diapers at all. So eventually I will stop. I’ll still draw your characters I just don’t know when I’ll stop drawing diapers, but no matter what, I’ll do everything in my queue as agreed upon, and I’m not likely to stop for the time being (but eventually, someday, I want to. It’s never been my thing, but it’s not unpleasant and it pays my bills.)

Love you guys.

It’s Hard To Care By Myself

It should be a minor thing, really but, not having other people in your life care about things that matter to you is so deeply isolating. I understand with some things… I donโ€™t expect anyone else in my family to care about snails or teddy bears. And even though it hurts, I understand if only my mom cares about our immigration anniversary.

But there are other things, too. Only I care about decorating the house for Christmas. Only I care about planning the holiday meals when we host. Only I care if the house looks nice for family when they visit. And my caring about these things instead of just โ€œletting them happenโ€ (magically I guess, with zero preparation) is โ€œneuroticโ€. I feel like I cannot win. What am I even supposed to do. No one is going to do the things I care about for me, but me. But caring enough to do them is somehow bad, too.

Even worse is being reminded of how slow I am at those preparations. Theyโ€™re so hard for me to do all alone, but the fact that it takes me days to do them is of course bad, too. And I canโ€™t help being bad at some things. Iโ€™m bad at a lot of things, but Iโ€™m still trying so hard.

But none of it should matter at the end of the day, because Christmas is probably going to get canceled anyway, so screw trying. Why try? Iโ€™m the only one who cares. Iโ€™m the only one who will be disappointed by canceled plans. It doesnโ€™t matter to anyone else. Why do I even pretend it does?

I just canโ€™t put into words how completely alone all this makes me feel though. Almost as if I didnโ€™t have anyone else. There are some joys and worries in life that I need shared, or else, everything feels pointless.

Home Again

We got home past midnight. Got so much to do today, but by the afternoon life should be back to normal.

Even though the point of yesterday’s post was to shout it all out into the void, in the end we had a conversation about it in the car. I don’t even know how it came up –I’m sure I brought it up unconsciously.

Christopher showed real concern, but at the end of the day it seems there is but one solution: the way I dress and act justifies my bullying or at the very least explains it. If I want to not be dismissed, ignored, and mocked, I need to wear less colorful clothes, bags that don’t look stupid, and not bring toys with me.

That kind of breaks my heart.

A possible alternative is to be quiet a lot of the time. Either thing is very hard for me to do. The idea of buying different, “normal” clothes simply to be treated with kindness or like an adult is so bizarre to me. But I can be myself the rest of the time when I’m not around family, so maybe it’s doable. I guess if I have to change my appearance and demeanor so much, a part of me is going to be so depressed that I’m going to be quieter as a result anyway so it may be hitting two birds with one stone? ^_^;

It’s particularly sad because while I’ve always known that I’m an obnoxious personification of cringe, I thought my family loved me because of it rather than in spite of it. I’ve always kept this side of me hidden until I met my husband and his family. I thought it was okay but perhaps it’s been wearing on everyone else and that is selfish of me.

I’ve been myself far more than I ever thought possible for several years, so if the truest version of me has worn out its welcome, perhaps I just need to be grateful for those years and go back to being more “normal”. I just have this bad feeling that it will change very little in how I’m treated by family at this point, while making me very miserable in other ways.

But it’s entirely possible I’m making this a way bigger deal than it is. Like Christopher said, sometimes you have to present yourself differently, such as at work. I just can’t present myself in the way that makes me happiest around family. And just because that is a bummer it doesn’t mean it’s not true.

Maybe I’ll try to not be myself at least for a while, and see what happens even if it’s hard. Maybe it won’t be so hard since I’ll feel more self-conscious about it now anyway.

Several more posts are coming over the next few days. I need to catch up on housework and commissions first.