Tag Archives: Vent

Can’t Fix It

Lately I am not doing so well. It’s rare that I do proper vent art, it feels so wasteful and selfish, especially right now. Both for economic/time reasons and because anything that puts my own feelings into focus really seems terrible and makes me want to punch myself in the face. I considered making this post private, even (I certainly have posted vents privately before and never published them) but, I don’t want to feel so alone.

I’m a very emotional person, but on the other hand, I’m very solution-driven. I guess I was raised with a mentality that if you try hard enough you can help any situation or fix any problem that someone may be having, especially if you love them, especially if they have done it for you before. I feel like it’s my responsibility as a supportive friend, or partner. I need to be able to do this, otherwise I have failed in that most important responsibility.

Because of this, many times I have tried to “fix” pain or trauma in friends and loved ones that is not possible for me to fix. I keep trying to do it and feeling awful when I can’t. It’s presumptuous of me to even assume that I could.

And yet, I cannot convince myself that me trying harder, working harder, making more money, making the house nicer, buying fancy gifts, planning fun things, cooking special meals, just, being happier harder, isn’t going to fix it. I’ve been there. I know all of this is pointless, I know how it feels to have people try to force you to feel better. It sucks. The truth is that only patience can help, just, quiet, loving patience, but I am not good at the quiet part, or the patient part.

Standing idly while someone I love suffers, just feels like wilful inaction on my part, like I’m ignoring them, or not caring; it feels like abandonment. How do you stand idly by and continue greeting the day happily if the person who matters most to you can’t?

So, every morning, I try to think of what I can do that day to make things okay as fast as possible, or at least okay for that one day. I can’t accept that I can’t do anything at all, or that I can’t make it all better now. But I think that’s causing more grief than it does help. I understand this on a logical level, but my heart can’t accept it. So I just carry on with my day with an underlying quiet desperation and my brain still trying to come up with a magic solution for things that deep inside, I know only time can fix.

I know that from experience. I’ve been there. But I still can’t help it.

Insert Title Or Whatever

I’m not doing so good. I had a really bad night and a worse morning. My cramps are really bad… had a raging headache this morning. Emotionally I’m not doing so hot either, I never do when I’m on my period but I think today that may be putting it mildly. I just want to turn off all my feelings, hormonal or otherwise. I can never tell the difference between the two.

This is my only post today besides my fitness post, I just can’t be bothered. I’m going to try to get ready to go visit my mom tonight. At least I did get my walk in.

Frustrated Today

[RANT/VENT, feel free to ignore, I just need to let it out.]

Lately I haven’t really been myself. I’ve been dealing with intensely high “highs” and on the other hand some pretty deep lows (related to work, chores, the house, and such.) Work has me overwhelmed, the house has me overwhelmed, and on some days, even though it’s true that I have to draw because I need to complete commissions, I will have higher priority things that I should be doing (such as post-citizenship paperwork) yet I keep drawing from the moment I wake up until I go to bed because it’s just easier to draw and lose myself in it, not thinking about other stuff I have to do, or about anything else, really.

Over the last few days, I’ve been thinking and thinking trying to figure out what has been bothering me by priority level. By and large, it is my “to-do” list. Sometimes it’s really stupid things. I did figure out one of them, the primary one, I suppose.

Our porch is in horrendous shape again. Even when I spent two days cleaning it a few months ago, already multiple things in it were ruined, and that was depressing in its own right, but at least I cleaned the mold off. In this godforsaken state, anything you put outside is ruined by the sun, sometimes within weeks. But it rains so much, you get mold in spite of the sun —because of the humidity.

Last time, I cut myself on a plastic flowerpot that cracked to pieces in my hand due to sun exposure. And right now, in between the dirt and grime and mold, and everything breaking down in front of my eyes, every morning when I see the porch my mood is just kind of fouled for the rest of the day. It’s incredibly depressing. It’s so depressing that I don’t want to go out to water my plans and they are dying.

And you might say well, just clean it. And every once in a while I do, which with pressure cleaning and moving of so many things, takes me two days to do. I have to do it by myself. I’m not very strong nor do I have a lot of stamina. Even though every single time it gets this bad I get so depressed that it affects so much else in my life, it just means I feel even less motivation to do something about it.

If money wasn’t so tight right now, I would just hire someone. It’s too much for me to do alone (primarily the moving of things, and all the decorative rocks have to be cleaned too) and after doing it alone twice I don’t even want to have anything to do with it. I get this simultaneous anger and hopelessness about the entire stupid thing.

It’s just a porch, I don’t know why it affects me to this degree. Maybe because seeing it through the windows it ruins the entire house for me. But I know it does affect me. It happened just like this last time too, and I feel so much worse just writing about it, because I don’t want to do it any more than I did before I wrote this, but now I realize how much it has been affecting me, even more than I suspected. I literally start neglecting the rest of the house as a direct result. It’s a cascading effect.

So yeah. I don’t know. Either I hire someone (can’t, really… I haven’t even bought my walking shoes because I’m so desperate to continue saving money) or at some point I feel so absolutely and utterly miserable that I just do it and waste two days of my life.

I don’t usually feel this much worse after writing a post. Well, at least I know what’s been eating at me. It’s not the only thing, but this one is so major compared to the others that it’s kind of hilarious.

Also, some stuff has left me in such an amount of physical pain for freaking days now, that I don’t know what to do with myself, going on my walks sucks ass, walking up and down the stairs sucks ass, it hurts even trying to work or laying down, and I’m definitely not okay enough to handle the goddamn porch. Like I’m not actually complaining (much) but fuck.

Shit! I’m so cranky. I’m sorry. I don’t usually swear so much. I have multiple happy posts in my drafts that I haven’t worked on because I’ve been so miserable and just trying to keep it to myself for days. I’ve been neglecting friends, too. I thought I was doing well enough and instead I just vomit it all over the blog.

Maybe I will clean the damn thing. Can’t very well stay like this, it’s not good for me, but I just get so angry about it. I hate it. I’m in pain. I don’t want to do it. When I think of doing it I fucking hate my life. Stupid ass porch!!

It’s Monday, Let’s Do This… *weak fistpump* 😪✊

Good morning everyone. I overslept today… I am also just generally feeling a bit down. I suppose it is the “come down” from all my birthday fun, the knowledge of upcoming stressful stuff, and a looming sadness I still have in regards to a recent event that I’ve felt too awkward to talk about in detail.

The most I can say is that it has to do with my Little side and it’s part of why I’ve been pushing things that make me feel Little so hard during the last two or so weeks.

To put it in the simplest terms, after putting that side of me away for a long time, I took a dip, then a jump, into vulnerability once again. I am not really sure what happened –it may all be an unfortunate coincidence the details of which I do not know– but it ended up badly for me. I worried that I would completely hide that side away again, and it especially hurt to consider doing so after my Little side experienced a moment of such intense and utter happiness. It was a hard come-down.

So I bought a lot of toys/got lots of toys for my birthday and made a strong effort to nurture my Little side right after this happened, evidenced also by how much I’ve been talking about it, something I never did quite to this degree before. I dusted off my Fetlife profile and completely remade my page with the focus of finding fellow local Littles to befriend, and even made the jump to attend Isolation Storytime, which I thought I’d lurk all throughout and instead had my camera on for as long as I stayed, which was almost the whole two hours. I really enjoyed that. I’m going to try to keep doing this, balanced with my normal “big” stuff. But I think it’s still going to be a while until I feel okay again.

In other things that have been screwing with my mental health, I’ve noticed that I’ve thrice fallen into Twitter discourse again, including at least two occasions where it was absolutely NONE of my damn business. I’m not sure what made me do it after so long, but it was very bad for me mentally.

Worst of all is seeing friends post stuff that make me feel more and more disconnected from them. Twitter literally has weakened friendships for me because I feel much less safe around some people, including some people I once felt close to. Then again, it’s not like that was/is the only factor in those cases.

But I digress. Ah yes, Twitter. I ended up making a list where I follow a ton of furries and babyfurs (including plenty of people I don’t like or support) and this way I get a feel for the current community zeitgeist and what my friends are doing and/or how they are reacting to community goings-on. It is conductive to feeling less isolated but also more depressed, because so much about the community is just kinda terrible these days.

I can only access the list from the Twitter app, since on the computer, all of that stuff remains blocked with my Cold Turkey Blocker app. Lately I’ve had the Twitter app on my phone constantly though, so I check the list throughout the day, and the negative stuff from it has been affecting me severely. So I guess I may be deleting the app for a few weeks so I can have a break from that. Ironically, almost always the stuff that bothers me is from people I do call my friends and/or support –and this is why I feel less and less comfortable in the community as a whole.

Sorry, it’s all pretty cryptic, huh? 😅 But at the end of the day I am writing this post for myself, to vent. So, it doesn’t really matter. No one needs to know the details.

Today is gonna be a long drawing day. I’m hoping to get multiple sketches and lines done for overdue commissions. So please look out for those! With the warm-ups done for now, I’m trying my best to catch up.

I’ll also catch up on several blog posts throughout the day.

Feeling Kinda Broken Lately… 💔

I think I just don’t know how to talk to people in a normal way. I say too much or too little, almost all of the time. Especially the former. I am so awkward.

I’ve been told I am this way since childhood and I have been told I have to change. I have always tried, and sometimes I think I am getting better, but eventually I am reminded that I’m really, really not. Every day it’s more obvious that I’m not neurotypical at all (and I never have been) but that knowledge doesn’t help. I still have to carry this painful inability to be social in the same wavelength as others that is always there. Always putting my foot in my mouth or wondering if I did. Always wondering.

I’m so sorry for being this way… I’m in a perpetual state of anxiety because of it. If I ever offend you, I probably didn’t mean to. I just really wear my heart in my sleeve instead of showing it slowly. It can be really off putting. I’m so sorry for that, I really mean that.

You Owe Communication 🔥

Over the last week away from home, I’ve had Twitter on my phone, and because I was so bored, I added everyone to a list that I’d peruse every once in a while, about 100 people.

I saw a lot of BS that it’s not worth my going on a pissy tirade about, but there is one 🔥 hot take 🔥 of my own that I want to share.

Last 48 hours I’ve seen several tweets about how awful a commissioner is if they dare contact you within a week to a month (!!) from the date of commission purchase. You know what the thing is though? I almost never, EVER see artists say something like “this is your delivery date/deadline and past that date you will get a refund”. The fact that most artists refuse to do this (something that never would fly in a professional, commercial setting) is part of the reason I rarely commission anyone.

Clients are seemingly expected to fork over money and wait for weeks/months without having any idea of what the artists’ queue is like, and if they do, what is the max deadline for their art. God forbid that, after a week or two or a month of radio silence, they ask for progress! 🙄 A simple question, that probably they are already anxious about asking, and shouldn’t have to be.

You know what? I almost never get asked. You know why? Because I provide deadlines. You HAVE to be able to provide a deadline. There seriously isn’t an excuse. Give an unreasonable deadline, if you have to. Five months. A year. Two years. Whatever. Say a date by which you will provide a refund no matter what. In a community where years-long waits are not at all unheard of, if you gave a commissioner zero inkling of what sort of wait might be in store, there is NOT a wrong time for them to reach out to you, because they just don’t know. That’s 100% on you.

Of course, context and tone matter. An “Is my art done yet??” message 48 hours after payment is obviously uncool. An “I was just wondering if you had an update on my commission” two weeks after payment if you provided absolutely no rough estimate of delivery, is polite and more than reasonable, and it is shitty of you not to have provided an estimated deadline in the first place.

A client deserves an estimated deadline from the get-go. No excuses. If you give one, you won’t have the stress of these messages because your client knows what to expect. Don’t leave them in the dark. They don’t deserve that. You’re doing what you love because of them.

I’m not saying it’s bad to give a long deadline if you must… I certainly do, and most of you know three months is my average. If your client is patient and considerate, they will understand that unexpected health issues might cause you to take up to, say, a year, if that is the deadline you must give (and I’m saying that as a kind of ridiculous deadline. If you can’t promise the art within a year, you shouldn’t be taking commissions, because at that point, that’s more like a donation, or an interest-free loan.)

Maybe it’s because I come from a primarily commercial art background, where a missed deadline is a big BIG deal. It’s also stressful –I do furry art because if I go a little bit past my deadlines my commissioners (often friends) are very understanding. To me, bristling at reasonable requests for updates is unbelievable.

You owe communication. You don’t owe speed beyond what you transparently promised on the onset –if you promised nothing, that’s a problem. Art is a business. Is money or goods changing hands in exchange for your art? It’s a business. Someone worked really hard for the money they gave you to receive a product in a realistic timeframe. It pisses me off to see tweets take traction that will make commissioners feel the process is even more unfriendly to them, when sometimes I don’t know how they keep throwing money at artists after getting continually burned by non-delivery or incredibly late deliveries.

Anyway, shitty takes aside, Twitter sucks ass as always, I don’t know how people manage to use it posting so many unhappy and hateful things every single hour lol, I already deleted the app and the follow list I made.

(Still doing my crossposting thing, nothing is changing from how it was before I left for the trip… I’m just stunned at how toxic it became again, once I made a list to follow people. Just. Holy shit. It’s seeping into FA, too. There is no escape, lol.)

National Squelfpoon’s Vacation: 6/26

To begin with, I’m probably done taking photos because my heart isn’t in them. It feels stupid to post them when I feel so utterly down.

Not much has changed. My mood is still absolutely awful and I cannot let it out anywhere (of course it spills out of me regardless, no matter how much I try).

I don’t want to bring Christopher down anymore. I know it makes him so sad. He wants to cheer me up, but he can’t. So, this is my only outlet.

I remain so stressed about the house and the cats, so bummed and disappointed by the canceled plans, I am so uninterested in this week’s plans and literally counting down the days until I am home again… I SO don’t want to go to the parks. I don’t want to go anywhere. I want to go home and mourn what we couldn’t do, and work on art, which invariably cheers me up. That’s all I want and I wouldn’t be a sad sack, I’d literally be happy if I could only do that at this point.

I really was fine with the last two vacation cancellations. This third one, followed by a week of plans I really don’t want to do, is just breaking me.

Every activity on its own would be a fun weekend. But it’s not stuff I want to spend a whole week doing. And it is SO MUCH. It is too much. There is no rest, only frantic packing and unpacking, three different hotel rooms, no privacy, a total of ten hours on a rattling train, walking for hours in 90° + weather with burning hot sun and insane humidity, and multiple hours total of waiting for rides that I (mostly) don’t want to go on.

The worst part is having to be grateful about it all, even though I never wanted this. I am well aware that not wanting this makes me a bad person, a killjoy. But it’s not like I’m against everyone else being happy and having fun. I just don’t want to be here.

Well… it’s not like everything is terrible. I’ve enjoyed playing cards and having dinners together, very much, I always do.

I’m really mostly in a bad mood because of the week ahead, because of wanting no part of this, and having to force myself to be cheerful and grateful about things I don’t want to do. Otherwise, so far it is a very nice time.

Anyway have a random Sissy, my mom in law’s cats have cheered me up a little at times:

I’m all packed now (hooray?) and I had to leave Beanie in the car so I have as little stuff to hunt for in the morning as possible. I hated leaving him alone so I kinda tucked him in.

Going to sleep I guess. Up at 5:45am.

Oh Well…

Hey all… So as previously mentioned the trip was definitely canceled. We couldn’t even do part of it. Most was refunded.

At this time, I’m still just getting over it. Spending time with family for the entire week with alternate plans is nice and ordinarily I would simply say that I’m having a wonderful time. But I am also so bitter and disappointed, this being the third cancellation of our vacation, I don’t care about anything anymore.

No one is showing feelings of disappointment, though surely we all have them, so I’m hiding them too, but, even as I’m having fun sporadically, I get bursts from time to time of just wanting to be home and alone with the cats, and like I don’t care about anything at this point. Our alternate plans are… “ok”. It’s not NYC or Walpole, it’s not lifetime dreams, I honestly couldn’t care less.

We will be doing some Orlando parks instead, starting tomorrow. I could pass on the parks, to put it mildly. It’s rainy and the heat is terrible and I don’t go on any rides (I don’t like them) so… 🤷‍♀️ honestly I think a good chunk of this week is gonna be me just trying to work on commissions to forget the world and hope for the week to be over.

At some point we’re getting on a train for eleven hours to go to Savannah, GA on some sort of tour, and I was mildly excited about that, but having looked at what’s in Savannah, I don’t care anymore about that either.

Sorry to sound so bitter in this post… Everyone here is being very cheerful and I’m making damn sure I put up that front too. But I’ve felt like crying a few times and still do once in a while. I’m so angry and sad. I just need to put those feelings somewhere (here) so I can make sure that they don’t spill over with family because it doesn’t help anyone.

In a more lighthearted note, there was a silly conversation about shrooms in the car and we picked one in a parking lot to give to Christopher.

(He gracefully declined to touch it.)

Then we played cards. That was fun, we laughed a lot. I had one of my little Japanese coffees. An extremely xenophobic comment was made about my drink. That was less fun. 🙃

And then it was bedtime, at which time I wrote about half of this post.

And the rest now (Saturday morning.)

I put my negative feelings here, but it didn’t help much haha. Breakfast came, my drink is wrong. Every small thing is making me see red, lol. I wish I could disappear, if only so my family and friends didn’t have to deal with me.

For The Time Being…

I feel that I need to do a lot of soul searching on a lot of stuff.

I’ve deleted a lot of journals on FurAffinity (most, actually) and made all of my personal blog ramblings/vents private. I also privated my Twitter for now. I won’t be approving new followers for a while. I just want to take a break from any and all community interaction, to have silence around me, and think long and hard.

I do not want to make any major decisions without a cool head. I’m going to work hard on my queue and carefully think about what I want to do when my queue is done.

But I will say this much…

I’m unlikely to stop drawing my usual SFW art of kiddos and I am not going to leave FA. I just wanted to say that. WITH THAT SAID, drawing diapered critters always was on the “this will eventually stop” category for me. I’m not an abdl/babyfur, I’m not into diapers at all. So eventually I will stop. I’ll still draw your characters I just don’t know when I’ll stop drawing diapers, but no matter what, I’ll do everything in my queue as agreed upon, and I’m not likely to stop for the time being (but eventually, someday, I want to. It’s never been my thing, but it’s not unpleasant and it pays my bills.)

Love you guys.